Bill and Diane were in a terrible accident and Diane's face was severely burned.
The doctor told Bill that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So Bill offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Diane's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day they were enjoying a quiet moment together when Diane was overcome with emotion at Bill's sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," Bill replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
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In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why, even though Socrates was a great philosopher, he just did not come to know that his best friend was seeing his wife!
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TWO GUYS FROM THE UP
Two guys from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan die and wake up in Hell.
The next day the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Vell, ya know, we're from nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."
The Devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The Devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again the two guys reply, "Vell, like we told you yesterday, we're from nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a vee bit, ya know."
This gets the Devil quite steamed so he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The Devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."
The two Michiganders reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much varm weather up dere in da UP, we've just got to have a fish fry when the veather's this nice."
The Devil is absolutely furious; he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The Devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michiganders. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The Devil is dumb founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Michiganders look at the Devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know, if Hell froze over dat must mean da Lions von da super bowl!
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A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there,are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's BUTT?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's BUTT."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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