A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men. They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" "Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
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Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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In the New Year to come...(author unknown)
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner.
May your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child and your parents but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser, or your tennis instructor.
May we live as intended, in a world at peace, with awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
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Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste, At the holiday parties, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales, there arose such a number! When I walked to the store, (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous, meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces,and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, And the way I'd never said, "No, thank you, please."
As I dressed myself, in my husband's old shirt, And prepared once again, to do battle with dirt, I said to myself, as I only can "You can spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last, of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food, that I like must be banished Till all the additional, ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick. I'll want only to chew, on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot, and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore- But isn't that what, January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.
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A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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