I thought I saw your reflection on the underside
Of a Coke can sitting wrapped in a rubber band
In a dim back corner of a subway car
Dulled and darkened by a dusty film
Lying there covered by an ink-smudged newspaper
Which on its fourth day of life
Was already moth-eaten and yellowed at the corners
Footprints always leading off, but never on
I stooped to pick up this common fixation
Watched my fingers scan the outer edge searching
For some understanding in this madness
Cut my finger on the metal lip
Injuring my conviction
I thought I felt your touch one day
As I clambered down the old rickety steps
Worn smooth by the passage of time
That swayed and staggered with each tick of my foot
Tiptoeing carelessly across a tangible faith
Which wouldn’t give way
Even under the pressure of my awkward being
Yet, in my weakness I faltered
The steps creaking with a burden
It should no longer bear
Wavering, snapping, bending
Tiny brittle splinters
Piercing my hands and feet
Scratching at my face and slicing at my skin
Falling, I still questioned
It’s that uncertainty that pain spawns from
That hesitation, swaying neither here nor there
Knowing one thing
Believing another and
Questioning another still
Blanketed in self-doubt
I blame myself
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