"Understanding Your Paycheck"
Gross pay: $1,222.02
Deductions: ----------- Income Tax: 244.40 Outgo Tax: 45.21 State Tax: 61.10 Interstate Tax: 5.89 County Tax: 6.11 City Tax: 12.22 Rural Tax: 4.44 Back Tax: 1.11 Front Tax: 1.16 Side Tax: 1.61 Up Tax: 2.22 Down Tax: 1.11 Tic-Tacs: 1.98 Thumbtacks: 3.93 Carpet Tacks: 0.98 Stadium Tax: 0.69 Flat Tax: 8.32 Surtax: 3.46 Ma'am Tax: 2.60 Parking Fee: 5.00 No Parking Fee: 10.00 F.I.C.A.: 81.88 T.G.I.F.: 9.95 Life Insurance: 5.85 Health Insurance: 16.23 Disability: 2.50 Ability: .25 Liability Insurance: 3.41 Dental Insurance: 4.50 Mental Insurance: 4.33 Reassurance: 0.11 Coffee: 6.85 Coffee Cups: 66.51 Calendar: 3.06 Floor Rental: 16.85 Chair Rental: 4.32 Desk Rental: 4.43 Union Dues: 5.85 Union Dont's: 3.77 Cash Advances: 0.69 Cash Retreats: 121.35 Overtime: 1.26 Undertime: 54.83 Eastern Time: 9.00 Central Time: 8.00 Mountain Time: 7.00 Pacific Time: 6.00 Grenwich Mean Time: 24.00 Bathroom Time: 6.05 Time Out: 12.21 Oxygen: 10.02 Water: 16.54 Electricity: 38.23 Heat: 51.42 Misc.: 144.38 Air Conditioning: 46.83 --------- Total, all Deductions $1,222.00
Take Home Pay: $0,000.02
And this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from.
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A beautiful woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't know" said the farmer. "Never could catch IT !!!"
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One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the
cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay." ======================
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, "How often do I take these." "Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man who's name was Andy, fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man who's name was Ed, reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man who's name was Ray replied, "They're Carols".
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