OLD AGE IS NOT FOR SOUR PUSSES
Old folk are fun to be around, I know because I R one, I laugh at me so many times, I just must be a lot of fun!
I lost my glasses the other day, Where were they, do you s'pose? Well, they were on my head all right, But on my forehead, not my nose.
The smallest things amuse me, Like rising from my chair, I rock upon my haunches, 'Til I rock me in the air.
Today I left the coffee out, When I plugged the coffee maker in, Then I got hot water from the spout, Where the coffee should have been.
I often feel quite silly, When I move from room to room, Wondering what I came for, And did I come too late too soon?
I really get a kick from Blowing dust curls out of sight, There was a time if I'd seen one, I would have cleaned all night.
And I think it is hilarious, When I get Viagra ads, In unmarked, plain, brown envelopes, I laugh, but don't get mad.
In fact, I almost ordered some, For an old friend of mine with needs, But his arthritis was so bad, He would have rubbed it on his knees.
The many different pills I take, Are just like tiddly-winks, My thumb can flip them to my tongue. And I'm very good, I think.
I've been cautioned by well-meaning folks, To keep my doors locked tight, I laugh because I know so well, My abductor would drop me at first light.
One night when I sat down to dinner, Everything smelled so good, But I laughed when I picked up my fork, For I forgot to serve the food.
You say growing old's not funny, Well, that depends, my friend, If you can giggle at yourself, I think you'll make it to the end.
And I hope with all my heart and soul, When Saint Peter lets you through, He's teasing, when he stops and asks, "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?"
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Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste
==================== Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!
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A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
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The night before the old man's bypass surgery, the doctor wanted him to take a shower; which was fine with him, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. As he walked down the hall, he had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, "Are you going to be able to manage OK?" He said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me." The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."
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An oldie but goody!!! A few days before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! "You know," said the doctor, "You really have to learn to trust me."
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Q: What do you call Chinese Branch Davidians?
A: Rice Krispies.
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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to doctor Cohen. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
Doctor Cohen walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
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"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley'." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing she was, but not much use in a fight!"
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