I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to synagogue on Saturday morning, I was drug to shul for weddings and bar mitzvahs. I was drug by the carpool to go to school every weekday. I was drug by my ears when disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was drug to family celebrations no matter what my plans were.
Those drugs are still in my veins today; they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would certainly be a better place.
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Esther was entranced with an expensive mink coat she had seen in an exclusive shop, and for days she cudgeled her brain to think of a way to bring up the subject to her husband. Suddenly she had an inspired thought.
"Sol, last night I had a lovely dream."
"What kind of a dream, Esther?"
"I dreamed that we passed by Saks Fifth Avenue, and there in the window was this gorgeous mink coat -- only $6,200. And you know what you did? You went right in and bought it for me, Sollie dear!"
"Say, that really was a wonderful dream! Hereafter, in all your dreams, you should wear it in good health, Esther dear!"
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Vay iz meer: An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried out by Jewish mothers every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering.
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All evening long four card players had been pestered by Morris, a self-proclaimed genius who commented on everyone's poker hand and style of play. When Morris went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him.
"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."
The busybody Morris returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.
"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."
"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you two dollars."
The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you five dollars."
Morris shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"
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Jews on Mars
Houston (JTA) - In a stunning development, it has been learned that there is life on Mars -- but not the kind that had been anticipated. The first indication, based on the current U.S. space mission, came when the small roving vehicle called Sojourner spotted a sign on the rocky terrain of the Red Planet that read, "Welcome To Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach Now."
The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists at the NASA Space Flight Center in Houston, who had no idea what it meant.
Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed the presence of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of Lubavitch Chasidim, known for their tireless efforts to reach Jews in the most remote regions, urging them to perform mitzvoth. "We've been here for some time now doing our work," said a cheerful Rabbi Lou Steinwalker, mission commander of the spaceship "Mitzvah 613", in an exclusive phone interview..
When asked how long he had been on Mars and how he got there, he said only, "where there's a will, there's a way."
He then excused himself, explaining that it was time for prayer and he was looking for a minyan. In a subsequent phone call, the Rabbi noted that in recent days another synagogue has been formed on Mars - -- a Reform congregation that he would not set foot in. Following up on that information, we contacted Rabbi Uri Negev, a Reform leader in Israel, who said that when he had met secretly with the chief rabbis of Israel in Jerusalem recently, they told him that if Reform Jews wanted to pray in peace, they should go to Mars.
"So we did," said Rabbi Negev, "and no one has bothered us, except the local Conservative congregation that keeps trying to borrow our membership list." A Conservative congregation on Mars? Yes, it is true, acknowledged a leader of the Jewish Theological Seminary. "We discovered that blending Jewish law and modernity just doesn't work on Earth, and we're always looking for new venues," explained Rabbi Ismore Sources. The rabbi complained bitterly of financial competition from the United Jewish Appeal's Interplanetary Division, which has been scouring Mars via satellite in search of potential donors.
Stephen Solomon, the chief executive of the charity acknowledged that highly motivated fund-raisers have been active throughout the galaxy for several light years. "We've determined through a Strategic Planet Plan that our most compelling marketing strategy is rescue," he said. "The trouble is that we haven't found anyone out there to save!"
That's been a problem, as well, for Abraham Loxsmith of the B'nai B'rith Anti-Defamation League. "We are prepared to open a major branch on Mars, and we've already ordered the press releases and fax papers. But, so far, no one has defamed us." Loxsmith is considering whether the lack of defamation may be due to a form of active, even hostile, disinterest in Jews that qualifies as anti-Semitism.
All this sudden interest among Jews about Mars has motivated Malcolm Phoneline to form a new umbrella group, the Conference of Presidents of Major Martian Jewish Organizations (CPMMJO). He said the group has already received several calls from anonymous rabbis inquiring as to whether there were any Pell grants available on Mars.
Meanwhile, a number of kosher-for-Passover tours have scouted out the Red Planet as a unique alternative to places like Palm Springs and Hawaii for jaded holiday vacationers. One tour operator noted that Rabbi Orson Vells has already been hired to conduct and broadcast the communal Seders, to be called "The War Of The Words," and that space stations are under construction to transport large supplies of oxygen, horseradish and shmura matzah for the eight-day festival. "It will be out of this world," the travel expert said, "and, I assure you, very tastefully done.."
Tourism might be affected adversely, though, by a late report that Palestinian authorities are claiming entitlement to 92 percent of Mars, asserting that Arab ties to the planet can be traced to the Koran
======
How You Can Tell If You Are A Jewish Redneck.
-You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
-Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
-Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.
-You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
-You think "KKK" is a symbol for really kosher.
-You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
-When someone shouts L'chaim you respond L'howdy.
-You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special occasion.
================
If you ain't from Brooklyn, you probably wouldn't understand any of these.
You're truly from Brooklyn if you can relate to any of the following:
1.Alternate side of the street parking.
2.Ate at Chock Full O' Nuts Shops (date nut bread and powdered donuts that were crunchy).
3.Ate dinner every Sunday night at Fong Fongs on Church Avenue.
4.Ate Italian food at Collaro's on Coney Island Ave.
5.Bought bobka at the original Ebingers on Flatbush Avenue. Or Butterbun on Nostrand Ave.
6.Bought Ebinger's Black-Out Cake (and didn't count the calories)
7.Bought knishes from Mrs. Stahls in Brighton, or Ruby the Knish Man.
8.Bought knishes on the beach and didn't mind the sand.
9.Bought pickles out of a barrel. The salt made you pucker.
10.Can name all the Brooklyn High Schools. Just try and do that today (impossible).
11.Don't speak with an accent - everybody else does.
12.Drove over the Marine Park Bridge for a 10-cent toll, and Brooklyn Battery Tunnel for 35 cents.
13.Everybody knows somebody from the neighborhood, even if it is your mother's cousin's son-in-law's sister's boyfriend.
14.Got a "Kitchen Sink" at Jahn's.
15.Got a J.D. card and feeling like Al Capone.
16.Had a prom date at the Club Elegante.
17.Had roller skates with keys.
18.Hand ball in the park.
19.Hit two sewers in punch ball.
20.It's not the "shore", its the "beach" idiot.
21.Kings Plaza.... how come we get the crappy mall?
22.Knew who the neighborhood wise guy was, but you'd never tell the cops.
23.Know that NBC's main production studio is on Avenue M.
24.Know what E.J. Korvettes stands for (Eight Jewish Korean Veterans).
25.Know what the F.W.I.L. on the Lundy's Restaurant in "The Bay" stands for the brothers, Frederick, William, Irving and Louis).
26.Know, or at least your hips do, what a Charlotte Russe is.
27.Owned a pair of pumps from Miles or National's.
28.Played at ( Eddy) Faber's Fascination and Skeeball- saved tickets for junk.
29.Played hide and go seek at dusk.
30.Played Hit The Penny, Stoop Ball, Skelly, and Potsy.
31.Private beach? What's that?
32.Remember a time when the Greeks didn't own ALL the diners and the Koreans didn't own ALL fruit stands.
33.Remember Bohack's, Packer's, and Smilen Brothers fruit stand.
34.Remember Coney Island fireworks every Tuesday night in the summer. Watching from your roof.
35.Remember submarine race watching at Plumb Beach. Heck, if you even know where Plumb Beach is.
36.Sheepshead Bay is for fishing and seafood.
37.Shopped on Fulton Street and Pitkin Ave. before the mall and all the dreck.
38.Swear that Grabstein's Deli had the l-e-a-n-e-s-t pastrami.
39.The first bar that you hung out in when you were 15 is "so young now".
40.There is a bagel bakery a few blocks away.
41.There is at least one pizzeria within 1 block of your house and a candy store on the corner.
42.Thought "Buddy's Fairyland Kiddie Park" on Utica Ave. was a major amusement park.
43.Thought going "away to college" means NYU, Pace, or Pratt.
44.Waited for the Good Humor or Bungalow Bar guy to come around your block.
45.Walked along the Coney Island Boardwalk, with a Shatzkins knish.
46.Washed it down with a Sunny Boy orange drink.
47.Went to a Bar Mitzvah at the Colonial Mansion, sometimes two on a weekend.
48.Went to Big Daddy's on Coney lsand Avenue as a change from Nathan's.
49.Went to Brennan and Carr for a double dip roast beef that dripped all over you.
50.Went to Murray the K rock concerts at the Brooklyn Fox or the Brooklyn Paramount. Went the night before for good seats.
51.Went to Saturday matinees at the Oriental, Canarsie, Kingsway, Avalon, Rugby, Sheepshead, Mayfair or Marlboro theaters.
52.You ate at the Horn and Hardart Automat.
53.You can correctly pronounce places like Long I-land, but aren't exactly sure where it begins.
54.You curse. A lot. Or can at least out curse anyone from anywhere else.
55.You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City."
56.You have no reason to go to Queens, except for Met games.
57.You know and go to the REAL Nathan's - Coney Island.
58.You know someone with mob ties.
59.You know the difference between going with, seeing, fooling around with and going out with someone.
60.You know what a "johnny pump" is.
61.You love "Welcome Back Kotter" (and not because of the crisp writing or great acting).
62.You made a scooter from orange crates and an old skate.
63.You made carpet guns that shot old linoleum projectiles.
64.You never realize you have an accent until you leave.
65.You waited for the rides on a truck to come to your neighborhood for 10 cents a ride.
66.You walk down "The Avenue" and see at least a handful of the people you knew growing up.
67.Your friends came over to hang out on the stoop.
68.You've had a pigeon crap on your car and/or your head.
AND the most important reason that you are a Brooklynite, or at least have the soul of one, is you're still angry that the Dodgers left.
=================
A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "Shiksa."
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A Shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work."
It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a Shiksa would cause problems!"
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