LAST WILL AND TEMPERAMENT
performed by the Frantics
LAWYER: As executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament.
HEDGE: Well, get on with it! The bars open soon.
JENNY: Oh, poor Arthur! Waah!
HANK: There, there Jenny!
RALSTON: How predictably boring.
MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man.
LAWYER: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
RALSTON: I knew it.
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah.
LAWYER: I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body --
HEDGE: That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah...
LAWYER: -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my overly emotional sister Jenny --
JENNY: Waahh!
HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.
LAWYER: -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me and then shed crocodile tears when I needed sympathy; to Jenny I leave... a boot to the head.
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!
JENNY: A what ? (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: Jenny, are you okay?
LAWYER: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank.
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Ah, but still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it --
JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
LAWYER: -- I bequeath... another boot to the head.
JENNY: What? (THUMP!) Ow!
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!
LAWYER: And another one for the wimp.
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my alcoholic brother --
HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head.
LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life --
HEDGE: I'm covering up my head!
LAWYER: -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.
HEDGE: Really?
LAWYER: And a boot to the head.
HEDGE: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And another for Jenny and the wimp.
JENNY: (THUMP!) Uh!
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston --
RALSTON: This is so predictable.
LAWYER: I leave a boot to the head.
RALSTON: (THUMP!) Uh! I knew it.
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, ah, I don't want nuthin'.
LAWYER: -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind.
LAWYER: To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath... a boot to the head.
MRS. MULROY: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ah!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the head.
MITTENS: (THUMP!) Mroooow!
LAWYER: And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil TO BE PLACED IN HIS TROUSERS??? (growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh! (panicking...) And, and, and I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent! You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
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Christmas is Right around the corner.. .
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