One tequilla, two tequilla, three tequilla, floor.
Im not lazy im just motivationally deficient.
Booze is the answer. I cant remember the question.
Make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Don't sweat the petty things, Dont pet the sweaty things.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultury.
One nice thing about egotists they never talk about other people.
I don't SUFFER from stress, Im a carrier.
I don't SUFFER from insanity I ENJOY every minute of it.
We are born naked, wet, hungry then things get worse.
Always remember you are unique just like everyone else.
Learn from your parents mistakes use birth control.
Hardwork has a later pay off, laziness pays off now.
How can i miss you if you wont go away!!
Pride is what we have, vanity is what others have.
Time is the best teacher unfortunatly it kills all its students.
Few women admit their age, fewer men act it.
If practice makes perfect and no bodys perfect, why practise.
The average wife talks 50% more than her husband listens.
If you try to fail and succeed which have you done.
I only help one person per day. Today isnt your day and tomorrow's not looking good either.
The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Laugh alone and the world thinks your and idiot.
Tell me to 'stuff it' Im a taxidermist.
Some people are only alive because its illegal to kill.
Very funny scotty now beam down my clothes.
To be intoxicated is to be sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realise you were.
Women like silent men, they think we are listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth, deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Before they invented drawing boards what did they get back to?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to follow?
If you are born again do you have two bellybuttons?
If work is so terrific, why do you have to pay people to do it?
If the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
It IS as bad as you think it is. They ARE out to get you.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
The good man is always honest. The evil man is always dishonest. The smart man just keeps his mouth shut.
If it comes back to you your gonna get what you deserve, try and test that and your bound to get served.--Sublime
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
Women think with there minds. Men think with there "heads".
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -luky fat man
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Time flies like knives, fruit flies like a banana.
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes one is interrupted by 12 dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
I have enough money to last me a lifetime unless i dont buy anything.
When your in it up to your neck keep ur mouth closed.
Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Watch where all the huskies go and never eat the yellow snow.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so why not get wasted and have the time of your life.
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