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Nowhere to be Seen Chapter One (fantasy story)

  Author:  62066  Category:(Fiction) Created:(1/31/2004 10:38:00 PM)
This post has been Viewed (435 times)

Officer Thyme waded through the heel deep sewer sludge, lantern in one hand, revolver in the other. He was doing this by choice, not duty. In fact it was quite forbidden for any city folk, policeman on not, to wade through the cities waste for some long forgotten reason. But Thyme did not care, as this would be greatly rewarded by the city for what he was planning to do, illegal or not.

Shrubb watched the chubby sergeant wander hopelessly through the system from above, looking down on him through a drain. Idiot, why would his prey be as stupid as him and hide in a sewer at night? He thought, a smug smile on his face. He knew the officer was looking for him, and didn’t care. No one could catch Shrubb. No one.

"Now, where is the bugger?" Thyme muttered to himself. A quiet snicker echoed from above. He stopped, looked up and saw two mischievous blue eyes looking down on him. "You little rat!"

Thyme leapt onto a ladder nearby, and scurried up it, throwing the grate away and flying up on to the surface. Shrubb ran, his long black hair trailing behind him, as did Thyme within seconds. "I’ll get you! The long arm of the law always catches the pest!" he roared, speeding after him, all manner of obscenities escaping his mouth. The rascal turned a corner, and jumped up on top of a horseless cart, hiding under a blanket. He peeped out at the wool, his fat competitor looking around. His stout figure lighted by a lamp-post. He’ll never find me here, Shrubb thought. But he was wrong.

Officer Thyme heaved in breath, his eyes darting from under his thick brow in eager search of his foe. He looked left and right, up and down, but there was no sight of him. Thoroughly disappointed, and still hungry to keep up the chase, he decided that it would do him good to forget he ever had chased after the little blighter, the thief who’d been pestering the city for several months. Instead he’d make his way back to the station, make up and excuse on why he was covered in muck and go home.

The Officer walked down the street, passing by Shrubb’s hiding place. The youth took in a deep breath and disguised his eyes. Now I’m free to go and get out of here thought Shrubb as Thyme passed. That was the third time the chase had happened, and chances are it would not be the last. When the coast was clear, he clambered out of the blanket that had disguised him, and set off into the night in the opposite direction of his assailant.

Before he had gone far, he got the strangest urge that someone was looking at him. He passed it off as idle suspicion, but it was certain something was looking at him. He turned right into a street full of posh houses, ones with large gardens and beautiful shapes. I should be able to sleep in one of the bushes without much notice he said in his head, as began to climb into a large hedge and nestled himself in the branches. But as he did, a hand darted over his mouth and a voice hissed into his ear, "Gotcha!"

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Replies:      
Date: 1/31/2004 11:41:00 PM  From Authorid: 5353    Hehehe, ooops. Nicely written, but a little staggery. I think it's the repetition of the names. Try using descriptive words instead of repeating their names over and over. Something like "Now I’m free to go and get out of here thought Shrubb as Thyme passed." would sound better as "Now I'm free to go and get out of here, thought the bandit as his persuer passed." Subtle changes like that can make the story easier to read and give us an idea of the characters without having it spelled out in a "He is a sneaky person, he can hide well...etc" kind of way. Hopefully I made sense in there somewhere :P Keep going with the story though!  
Date: 2/1/2004 12:37:00 AM  From Authorid: 10030    I like.  
Date: 2/1/2004 6:40:00 PM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 62066    Thanks for trhe criticism Silverhour. I knew there was something wrong, just I couldn't put my finger on it. More soon.  
Date: 2/2/2004 11:52:00 AM  From Authorid: 17014    Keep going!!  

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