"Bubba, how long have you and Zayde been married?" asked young Jill. "Fifty years," Bubbe replied. "That is so wonderful," exclaimed Jill. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?" "Right Jill," Bubbe replied. "Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times."
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The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as Colonel Hendrick. She asked if he would please spell the name slowly. He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite." When her father returned, he found the following message: "Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."
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THE COST OF A MIRACLE
Tess was a precocious eight-year-old when she heard her Mom and Dad talking about her little brother, Andrew. All she knew was that he was very sick and they were completely out of money. They were moving to an apartment complex next month because Daddy didn't have the money for the doctor's bills and our house. Only a very costly surgery could save him now and it was looking like there was no one to loan them the money. She heard Daddy say to her tearful Mother with whispered desperation, "Only a miracle can save him now."
Tess went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter.
That did it! "And what do you want?", the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice, "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages.", he said without waiting for a reply to his question. "Well, I want to talk to you about my brother.", Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick and I want to buy a miracle." "I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist. "His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?" "We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you, the pharmacist said, softening a little. "Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does you brother need?" "I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money". "How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago. "One dollar and eleven cents", Tess answered barely audibly, "and it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to." "Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "a dollar and eleven cents-the exact price of a miracle for little brothers." He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said, "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the kind of miracle you need."
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed without charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
"That surgery", her Mom whispered, "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?" Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost............. one dollar and eleven cents ........plus the faith of a little child.
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"Bubba, where'd you get that new truck?" " Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new Truck?" "Well, Billy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!" "Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".
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Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do? So all of the recruits bar one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions. The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed. Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!" So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still. Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!" The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
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A moral dilemma
Here's a dilemma for you.... be honest and decide what you would do. This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water everywhere. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it. Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar... Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have a chance to save him or you can take the best photo of your life, a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer)
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white ?
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Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital house phone, called the doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You are the father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The doctor ansered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night." So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did. Actually, he misdialed, and dialed the local cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The person replied, "All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck."
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Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid.
As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available.
Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used.
Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty.
"Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said, impressed.
"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose.
After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.
Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout.
"But...but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me to."
Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?"
"Why, they're in the loo, of course."
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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting . . . . So would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies "I did - they were in your tackle box." Women will ALWAYS outsmart men.
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