"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."
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When picking out a pet, keep in mind that to a dog, you're family; to a cat, you're staff.
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After a flurry of program changes at work, a hand-lettered sign appeared on one desk. It read, "If consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, only geniuses work here."
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Sign above the scale in a Mission Hills, CA, doctor's office: Pretend it's your IQ.
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Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
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A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
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Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:
"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.
Write soon, Affectionately, Father
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When temperatures plunged to 26 degrees below zero Fahrenheit, the Rockford, Ill., Register Star asked its readers to finish the sentence, "It was so cold that..." Here are some of the responses:
...you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk.
...I had to go up and break the smoke off my chimney.
...we opened the refrigerator to heat the house.
...when police saw a bank-robbery suspect and said, "Freeze!" he did.
...I saw a 32nd-degree Mason, and he was down to 15.
...when I called home to Arizona, the message caused the cactus to frost over.
...I let my dog out, and I had to break him loose from the tree.
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"Decision"
A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was: You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. A doctor who had once saved your life. A man/woman you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain your answer.
Think about it before you continue reading.
This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.
You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you may never be able to find the perfect lover once you pass this chance.
The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we would gain more if we were able to give up our stubborn limitations.
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The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying. The girl informed her friend that her mom was always tired from staying up all night long. Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all!" The beauty replied, "Waiting for me to come home."
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My Favorite Recipe
One tablespoon of Kindness
Make that two or maybe three
A half a cup of smiles
Or more - because they're free
One teaspoon full of starshine
And a pinch of soft Moonbeams
Sparkle it with Happiness
Stir gently adding dreams
Pour in lots of loving
Enough to fill the pot
I guarantee and promise
It will fill that empty spot
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GETTING OLD Isn't So Bad!
People get out of the way when you drive down the street.
You don't have to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You can date someone half your age and not break any laws.
Foods you don't like taste like foods you do like.
You don't have to worry about sinning because you're just not interested.
You get to be among the first hostages released.
You can save money by not buying the extended warranty. Saying that you forgot is enough of an excuse.
Your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.
You can watch for the obituaries of people you don't like.
Your joints are more accurate at predicting the weather than the Weather Channel.
You are unlikely to be subjected to a strip search.
Picking your teeth is easier when you can take them out and look at them.
You no longer have to waste money on things like sexy underwear, water skis, and home pregnancy kits.
You can turn off your hearing aid when you've heard the joke before.
You have less gray hairs to count because you have less hair.
Stalkers are not very interested in you.
Your car insurance premium goes down because you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You already own just the right thing to wear to that funeral.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even complain.
You can't remember who's President.
If you were getting younger, everyone would hate you!
I don’t make snowmen. If I’d wanted to hang around with a cold man with slush for brain, I’d still be married.
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