Father: "I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class." Son: "Don't worry, Dad, they teach the same stuff at both ends."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Food Store. Dad: "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice." A few minutes later, in a different aisle Dad: "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?" Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle Dad: "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a country!"
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Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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TO: Medical Personnel FROM: Human Resources
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:
Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper".
Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.
Sincerely, Director of Human Resources
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Martha Stewart Living Fall Lifestyle Tips:
* Never mix your orange jumpsuit with a clashing gang bandana.
* Teardrops and webbings carved into your face with a razor blade and a ball point pen is tre passé. Slice in something seasonal--like a pineapple. Or a classic like sparkling stars.
* Tired of your daily ration of meatcakes and pudding? Spice it up with plenty of viscous tomato puree or catsup. Remember that not only does catsup kill the taste, it's almost a vegetable.
* Lower intestine stuffed with a balloon of heroin? Just a tablespoon of Epsom Salt should flush that precious package right out!
* Thinking about rolling up your sleeves while pumping iron? A little soap scum can be used to grease those muscles right up so they glint in the prisonyard sun.
* Hot colors this season: Mandarin; Apricot; Traffic Cone; Caribbean Sunset; Pumpkin; Life Preserver; Electric Sunkist.
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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself ,"I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, and you are going to Chicago." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down, and from nowhere a Cowboy came over and sat his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!"
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One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Jo Ann," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder, Dear. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
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