Date: 3/22/2004 2:11:00 PM
From Authorid: 36704
You have to find that happiness again. Start by just thinking positive thoughts. Quit focusing on things that aren't going the way you want them to and focus on the little things that you enjoy. Start making plans to do something you've always wanted to do but haven't been able to yet. Quit focusing on things that you don't agree with and accept that you don't have the power to change them. Are you on any medication for the bipolar, is it helping or do you need to change medications or find one that will help. It's easy to fall into the bitterness trap of life and hard to climb out of it. Even when it seems that you have nothing to live for you always do, you may just have to search a little harder to find it. Good luck and I hope you start feeling better soon.  |
Date: 3/22/2004 2:22:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Thank you, Base! And yes, I do take my medication, although I hate it! And I definitely can tell a difference when I don't. I am one of those who only remembers to take meds when I get really down, and I am sure that is not helping. And I HATE to ask people for help, and that in itself is a false pride thing that is kicking my butt! I am an avid news watcher and I am going to stop that for awhile! I believe it kicks in that thing you talked about, about not being able to change anything; and that engenders a kind of low level rage, I believe. Rage!! That is not even a term I would have Thought about applying to myself before. Impotence.....(not the sexual kind, LOL)! I believe that is what I feel so much! Like I have no control on my destiny anymore! But, I will take your advice and try to think of something that I really want to do, and save towards doing that! Thank you so much for replying! I am lost! Love and Light  |
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Date: 3/22/2004 2:28:00 PM
From Authorid: 36704
You need to take the medication everyday and not just when you get down or it's not going to be as effective. Instead of trying to remember to take it make a note where you can see it to remind you everyday. You can't control the world and the things that happen in it and trying to will just drive you insane and make ya bitter and full of rage. But you can control your own thoughts, actions and life. Watching the news is enough to depress or send anyone into a rage lol, not watching it is probably a good idea. |
Date: 3/22/2004 2:33:00 PM
From Authorid: 61897
Hang in there, really. Just when you think there is no hope and nothing to live for, something wonderful and life-changing can happen, it seems to happen that way ALOT. As for me, my husband left me not too long ago and I was at the end of life's rope for a while, a LONG while (although it doesn't seem that way anymore, just a reminder that things are temporary, your situation is temporary as well). The absolute MOST helpful thing that helped me cope with it, was prayer. Just earnest prayer, it is completely unbelievable the feeling of calm and peace I attained right after prayer and the answers of what I could do to cope and get through my situation, just seemed to flow like water as well. It is also really amazing how I would get these sudden spells of depression out of nowhere, I would think I was having an okay day that day, then outta nowhere feel such sadness and no point to life, I would pray right then and there-whether I was driving, at work or whatever and immediately right after, one of my friends or loved ones would call me outta nowhere to see if I was alright and to cheer me up, I'm telling you-completely amazing. I am VERY grateful.  |
Date: 3/22/2004 2:51:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
I am sitting my meds out Right Now, on the cabinet where I see them first thing in the mornings and during the day. Base, I think you again for taking your time to help. It is appreciated! And I just started this thing of, Give It to God. A person that I considered my best friend of many many years called and said she had given a friend of hers my ex's phone number, and it just flew all over me. Daivd (my ex) had just been up here to spend the weekend and spend time with the grandson, and even though we are only very good friends now, somehow, I felt really betrayed. My girlfriend of years knows how close David and I have remained, and I believe it just ticks her off and she is jealous because I have remained close to David, and this was her way of getting to me! I just Could Not Believe It! So, that one, I have given to God! ANd if it comes to my mind, I just say "Nope, not going there! I've given that one to God!
And Chi-Girl, thank you for sharing that with me. I needed to hear it! And I have been praying my rear end off, but I think perhaps the prayers have been the wrong prayers. You know, a great friend on mine told me of this prayer that he says every nite and I love it! It is, "Dear God, please help to handle what comes into my life this day in a way that is pleasing to you". ANd I like that! And, I haven't been doing that! Think I have been getting into telling God what "I" think I need, not asking him to give me what "He" thinks I needs. Again, thank you so much! Love and Light to you both |
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Date: 3/22/2004 3:07:00 PM
From Authorid: 61897
Yeah, you are absolutely right. I would pray alot for God to do this and this and that, like if I know what's best. But when I would pray such as "please give me peace and the strength to deal and overcome this" "let me know what's right and what to do", prayers like that, THOSE would immediately be answered or "just please let me know You are really there, You hear me, care about me and are looking out for me" that's when the people that care about me would call. |
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Date: 3/22/2004 3:23:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
ChiGirl! I am So bad about avoiding the phone, and not answering. ANd you know, that could be where some of my answers to my prayers are coming from. Okay, another new vow, to add to the Med on Cabinet, I WILL Answer the Phone! I am very bad about withdrawal, and not answering is one of the ways I do that! Thank you so much for replying and suggesting things for me to do! That is what I need so much. Suggestions and ME FOLLOWING THROUGH! THank you again for caring! Love and Light |
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Date: 3/22/2004 3:32:00 PM
From Authorid: 61897
No problem, helping others is good for one. Hope you get out of this funk soon. |
Date: 3/22/2004 4:22:00 PM
From Authorid: 11341
I have 3 children and after having each of them the depression that I already had became worse and worse. It was under some sort of control when I was able to take meds. I was no longer able to get my medication and let me tell you for 6 long years I was a walking mudpuddle. I got to the point I couldnt stand to see anyone happy, it made me bitter and angry with thinking why cant that be me. I am finally now getting over this. I take baby steps, teeny tiny steps, but I look at it this way... as long as those steps are moving forward I am doing the right thing. You NEED to take your meds every day for them to do you any good at all. Do you drink coffee? Put the meds on the coffee can or the sugar bowl somewhere that you will have to touch the bottle in order to get to what you want. I am getting over this by making myself do things that I dont really want to do that I know are in my best interest. I am taking better care of myself, dressing up for no reason at all, little things like that and I find it makes a HUGE difference. I still have my bad days but they arent near as long or as rough as they used to be. I wish you all the luck in the world in overcoming this. You are in my thoughts.  |
Date: 3/22/2004 4:44:00 PM
From Authorid: 2030
Well you have friends here and a great family. You're many steps ahead of a lot of folks. Use the support group you have (All the people who replied so far is a good start) Good things happen to good people, you're one of those. Hang in and hang on, don't fight some of the things you feel coming out, the nonsense I encounter here some times make's me want to punch the monitor, then I just realize it's only noise. You can't control everything. Take Care, Please.  |
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Date: 3/22/2004 5:22:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
DMK, thank you so much, and I pray for you too! And I thank you for being so honest. I only realized lately that other people's happiness could make me bitter and jealous! And I have not been the jealous type in the past either! And admitting that other people's happiness can make me depressed......Well, that is a big one! ANd it isn't that I don't want them to be happy, it is just that I am jealous that they are and I am not! Wow! Big One! THank you so very much! And it isn't always like that, but more than 50% of the time now, I bet!! And I have put the meds right beside the coffee pot, so I will see them all the time! Thank you for taking the time to help it! It is so appreciated. Love and Light to you |
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Date: 3/22/2004 5:25:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Oh, BCAR, you are so kind to me! You are a really special person and I thank you so much for replying! In the past, when I see something here that really aggravates me, I just kind of blow it off with a "whatever"! But now, I seem to have to say something hateful, just to let them know I think they are being stupid! What a mess I have turned into! But, I wrote this post for advice, and I am going to fight this all the way! I have tried to do it alone or with family, and it just hasn't worked. So, thank you again for caring! Love and Light to you |
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Date: 3/22/2004 5:52:00 PM
From Authorid: 11341
Any time Lightworker. If I can help someone to not have to go thru what I went thru then it is worth telling my lil story. |
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Date: 3/22/2004 5:58:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
You are a wonderful person, DMK! I have seen the inside of enough hospital rooms due to depression. I don't want to do that anymore! Love and Light |
Date: 3/22/2004 7:42:00 PM
From Authorid: 62588
Lightworker, you asked if anyone else here at USM had ever felt the way that you do.. Well, a few years ago, my cousine died. I have had a lot of people pass in my life, but none of them effected me the way that Johnny did. I struggled to hold it in, though afraid that people would judge me for being more hurt over his death then my own father's or niece's. Two weeks later, I found out my husband had had an affair. Once again, I struggled to hold it in, but everyone could tell there was something wrong. I went to work each day, but I was lucky if I had the energy to shower and brush my hair before work. Then he came to see me one day at work, and sat me down. He explained that I was the reason for his infedelity. He said it was because I was so fat and ugly that he had to find someone outside our marriage. That shook me to my very core and my only reaction was to stop. I stopped crying and stopped feeling. I also stopped eating and sleeping. He kicked me out of our home about a week after that, and I moved in with my sister. I stopped leaving my bedroom, there. I would lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. When no one else was home I would cry and rant and I started talking to Johnny because I didn't want GOD to see me in such a state. Eventually I got up the strength (and yes, strength was something I had to build) to leave that bedroom. Then I started counselling. What helped me the most was the presence of my nieces and nephews and talking it out through a counsellor. I was diagnosed as manic-depressive, bi-polar and sucidal. I went down a long road that included drinking and worse. I guess, my point is, there is life out there. There is life after falling apart and breaking in two. Eventually, you will get to a point where you know that you can make a decision. You can wake up every day and choose to be happy. There will be days when you choose to be angry and days when you know you need to be sad. But eventually you will get to a point where you know that you cannot continue to feel the way you do, and you will know you need to do something to change it. I've found the best way to change it... to do something nice for someone else. You know that way you feel on Christmass when someone likes the gift you spent an hour picking out? It is even better when it is just monday (not Christmass) and you are the only one who got them a gift. Hope this helps! and if uou ever need to talk just message me, okay?  |
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Date: 3/22/2004 8:48:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Oh Melissa, what a time you have been through! And you are so giving to be sharing this with me and please believe, I appreciate it so much! You know, your feelings for Johnnie remind me so much of my brother, Freddy. I had NO IDEA I loved him so much! And my Mom and Dad died some years back, at only 55 and 59, and I only had the one brother and no sisters, and I guess I just kind of took him for granted. Because it knocked me off my feet when he died. Totally and completely! It was a year ago, February 18, 2003, when he passed away and a piece of me died with him. He was only 48. And, I made the decision to divorce, but I had no idea I would feel so alone!!! I mean, like many women I know, I spent my life being Mama and Wifey and doing for my family (not as good as many women, but you know what I mean). You just kind of naturally have to put your own dreams off so you can take care of them, but you do look forward to that day you can live your dreams. And now, I can't seem to even remember what those dreams were! So thank you! Thank you for reminding me I am not the only one! Sometimes I think my greatest anger is at myself. I hate to be WEAK! I hate it hate it hate it! And that means I am hating myself and we both know where that leads. Okay, my son just came in and said he needs to connect to work and we are networked so I will close for now! I pray for you, and again, thank you! Love and Light |
Date: 3/22/2004 9:34:00 PM
From Authorid: 12341
I have to agree with Base. I don't know you, but the darkest days I ever had were the days when I wallowed in my own misery. Move on, let go. Find yourself and what is important to you. Take a class, take a bunch, but find something to do. From your posts and comments I know you have a "gift" that would and could open the door for others. You care about more than yourself, the world is waiting for you, find your meaning, it is there! I felt rage when I felt I had no real control over my life, I lacked not only the skills, but the courage to just move on. I really don't know you except from here, but you have an enormous spirit and so much to offer the world. It's plain to see that.  |
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Date: 3/22/2004 9:49:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Thank you so much for your sweet words, Brenda, and also for the kick in the rear! That is what I was talking about when I said sitting on the PityPot! And you know, that is one of the hardest places to get up from, and then if you don't see a direction to go, you just sit right back down at the slightest little knock on the knee! Believe me, I have beat myself black and blue for this!! But, you know, I do have insight sometimes into so many things, and when it comes to self, it is just 'out the window"! It was only day before yesterday that I realized it was bitterness that was killing me. And don't even know why I am so bitter, only know it is at self, and now is spreading over into my feeling for everything! So we make wrong decisions or life deals us a difficult hand, just be sure you look at all the cards in your hand before you start playing, and you can win! The one who does "not" win is the one who does not look at 'all the cards' or, in simpler terms, one who lies to themself! That person cannot win! And so, here I am, spilling my guts and hearing the things I need to hear, and actually taking suggestions, which I am not very good at! Thank you so much for replying and being honest and being so kind. I really really do appreciate it! Love and Light to you |
Date: 3/22/2004 10:17:00 PM
From Authorid: 48250
"""Some Say Love It Is A River...That Drowns The tender reed...Some Say Love It Is A Razor that Leaves The Soul To Bleed...Some Say Love..It Is A Hunger...An Endless Aching Need I Say...Love It Is A Flower...And You Are The Seed...It's The Heart Afraid Of Breaking That Never Learns To Dance...It's the dream Afraid Of Waking...That Never Takes The chance...Its The One Who Won't Be Taken...Who Cannot Seem To Live...And The Soul Afraid Of Dying..That Never Learns To LiveWhen The Night Has Been Too Lonely And the road Has Been Too Long And You Think That Love Is Only For The lucky And The Strong...Just Remember In The Winter Far Beneath The Bitter Snow..Lies The Seed That With The Sun's Love In The Spring Becomes The Rose.......LIVE!...Live The ,Life God Wants You To Live...
The Greatest Gift YOU CAN Give Yourself...Is Learning To Love And Accept Yourself For The Beautiful Special Person You Are....God Made Each One Of Us...To Do Something With Our Lives.....He doesn't wants us to be Unhappy...The Greatest Deception Of All Is To Cheat Oneself Out Of Love....Loving and Caring About Yourself...Only Then Can We truly Love Another....You Have Already Received Wonderful And Very Touching Advice Here...I Know You Will Take It...And Go With..And Be Happy....We Are Here For You ....May God Bless You.., ....T/C...  |
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Date: 3/22/2004 10:45:00 PM
From Authorid: 12341
This is a good post for each of us. In life, if I had to go back and change something, how could I change one thing without taking away something that was so meaningful. We learn, we gain from every experience and some of them kick us in the rear, but their is also something there that we gained, learned from. I know from everything you wrote, where you are coming from, but I also know from everything you write that you are very positive and an incredible insight. Today is bad, but tomorrow will be better! It will and you make a difference by just being here, lending your insight and intelligence to each of us. |
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Date: 3/22/2004 11:57:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Kentucky BlueBird, what a beautiful song you sing for me! Thank you so much! The Rose was the song we had played at the wedding, along with a brain rattling 'No Huggie, No Kissie, til You MakeMe Your Wife....Georges Sattelites' when we kissed at the end of the ceremony! Thank you for your kind words and I will follow your advice, and everyone else's. Thank you again so very much! Love and Light |
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Date: 3/23/2004 12:04:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
And you know what. Brenda?I think we are sent to earth to learn certain things. And some things must be personally tasted for us to learn and remember. It must be a "first person" kind of learning. And as I said earlier, I do not believe I have ever felt Bitterness! I mean, I have failed at things before, and been left out of things before, etc, etc, but I don't think I was bitter. It was like, "Well, gee, that is a bummer", and then try again or try something different. And maybe God felt it is time for me to learn the truth and thetraps of bitterness! I am certainly not capable of second guessing God, but I feel sure he is close by and waiting for me to have the lightbulb come on over my head and understand come into my heart! Okay, I am wandering. Very tired and going to bed! But, thank you all so very very much for your help! Love and Light |
Date: 3/23/2004 1:30:00 AM
From Authorid: 21435
Hiya, Lightworker:) Forgive me if I "get frank" with you babe..hehe..You know that I like ya, sure you do.:) When I get down and believe me, I do get down, I play this little game with myself. I think of something that I have always wanted to do (within reason..and my means, of course) and I "just do it." Burn up the hours, then sit back and reflect, then do something else. USM is fine therapy, but even this wonderful forum is not a "cure-all." We've amassed an arsenal of knowledge and should use it to our advantage, my friend. You'll be fine, I bet. I like the way that you write and express yourself. Write on...:)  |
Date: 3/23/2004 9:47:00 AM
From Authorid: 16671
Lightworker, you are not being weak, it just sometimes what we THINK would make us happy, only seems to fail. The only way to be happy , no matter where you are is to strive for that inner peace. When all my kids finally were old enough to leave home, man I had the empty nest sydronme so bad that I didnt see anything worth getting up for, it was the same old thing, just a different day. It was like why clean the house? I dont know anyone in this town, who is going to come over? Why bother with my hair and make up? Who is going to see me? Eventually I had to find something that I could get excited about and of course that was writing. It took me to places in my mind, kept me active with working out the lives of my charcters and while I've only published the one book, I have many others written. But you know as well as I do that there is a postive and a negative in our lives, you know how words alone can make one side of that coin more manifest than the other and bitterness is a very bad root, so you have to choose daily to jump out of that bed with a postive statment already on your lips, " God, I'm going to have a great day today, I bind all negative forces that would try to destroy me and only allow the spirit of peace and contentment in my life, I denonce the spirit of bitterness and will not walk in your shoes anymore as THIS is not who I'm."" Keep the postive statements going no matter HOW you feel as you know your self, once the spirit realm gets its self involved, those feelings can change really fast. It does not matter what religion or faith a person is, a belief in God or a non belief, the spirit realm is still there, and postive and negative forces are still in this universe to be tapped into. If nothing else, get on your computer, start you a journal, write down things you remember about the kids, the grandkids, things that they might want to know in the future after your gone, it can be the price of things, the clothes they wore, the things they did, the head line news, the funny moments and by pulling all of this out of you, not only will the joy return but the root of bitterness will leave. I'll keep you in my prayers hon.  |
Date: 3/23/2004 11:31:00 AM
From Authorid: 62602
hmmm will a hug make ya feel alil better [hugs]-rini  |
Date: 3/23/2004 10:05:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Kronk, You Sweetie You, you are just a silver-tongued devil! That little complement about expressing myself well just made me feel So Good! Thank you for that good feeling! And, I used to do what you suggested, but lately, I cannot for the life of me, think of anything I want to do!Isn't that insane! And for me, major insane, as my greatest fear has always been of dying before I saw and did all the wonderful things there are to do and see on this beautiful planet! But, when I DO get out, I am so happy that I did, so I am going to try to get out more, even if just to sit on the ground and wiggle my toes in the dirt! Thank you for taking the time to help me! Love and Light to you
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Date: 3/23/2004 10:13:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Thank you so much for the insight and for the suggestion about writing, Firstborn! You know, I have always wanted to write; had a nice little fantasy novelette started on teh computer a couple of years ago and my son accidentally erased it! I knew I shoulda shot him! LOL! And I do think the empty nest syndrome is a part of this; I had not thought of it that way, although I knew that when I put the deposit on my little wolfie that should be born around the 1st of May, I suddenly got all excited and started planning her arrival. Taking care of someone is a major part of a woman's life, and even though I have certainly done my share of gripping about it (I went through a period where I wouldn't have ANY plants, because I said when they started turning yellow because I had not watered them, their leaves looked like little yellow tongues hanging out saying "Mama, I wanna drink of water" LOL! One more thing to feed, at that time). Anyway, thank you so much, dear friend, for helping me! Love and Light to you |
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Date: 3/23/2004 10:14:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Rina, that hug certainly did help! A lot! I felt it all the way here to Texas! Hugs are amazing things, aren't they! Thank you and Love and Light to you |
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Date: 3/23/2004 10:18:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 27403
Oh, and I just have to add that this evening, after I had made the vow last nite to start answering the phone and quit withdrawing as I decided maybe God might be trying to answer my prayers over the phone sometimes, guess what? That phone rang this evening, I answered, and this beautiful voice (truly it is a beautiful voice) says "Lightworker? This is MoonGirl!" And there was the answer to a prayer!!!! We talked and shared and I enjoyed it so much and Moongirl, you are such a special person! God Bless You! I love you! Love and Light |
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Date: 3/24/2004 11:28:00 AM
From Authorid: 16671
Oh hon, when the kids all left, and it was in the same YEAR as the boys went to live with their dad and the girls were old enough to be on their own, I cried for two weeks straight. Taking care of people is a big part of our lives, and yes, grip and complain, but when they are gone we have this sudden freedom and dont know what the heck to do with it. We dont feel needed anymore. But after two weeks of that, I started doing things with my husband and it dawned on me, dont have to worry about when I leave, when I get back, rather they have been fed, if I"m going to be too tired to get them up for school. PLUS the extra money I had, LOL, wow, I thought this wasnt going to be so bad after all. LOL. Now through the years the kids have come back, with more, and with grandkids and lived with me, and just six months ago, it was just me and the hubby, but now its me, two of my kids, my nephew, a friend, a soon to be daughter in law, and two grandkids and three cats, LOL. I'm going please please I need that empty nest, LOL, but all the while knowing how much fun it is, always something going on. Anyway, I here hon, anytime ya just want to talk msg me. Hugs. your friend deb |
Date: 3/26/2004 6:09:00 PM
From Authorid: 62367
You need something, a job, a volunteer committment, anything to get you out of yourself. Too much time sitting thinking about a bad situation makes bitterness worse. Time and distance will make things better while keeping busy at your choice of occupation will focus your thoughts on something else now. I used this myself so I know it works.  |
Date: 3/26/2004 6:44:00 PM
From Authorid: 20750
welp ya know how I feel! :D  |
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Date: 3/26/2004 7:45:00 PM
From Authorid: 62367
You need something, a job, a volunteer committment, anything to get you out of yourself. Too much time sitting thinking about a bad situation makes bitterness worse. Time and distance will make things better while keeping busy at your choice of occupation will focus your thoughts on something else now. I used this myself so I know it works. |
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Date: 3/27/2004 2:53:00 AM
From Authorid: 62367
Lightworker, could you delete the above long post. I meant to send it author only not post it publicly. I have sent a copy to you author only. Thanks |
Date: 6/3/2004 12:39:00 PM
From Authorid: 20296
I am also going through something like this now. i do not think i am bipolar 9love to be able to use that for a legit rerason for my bad behavior, but cant). I think sometimes I just have to really step away from myself and reevaluate...anywas, i know that you are a special lady light. maybe go outside somewhere, connect witht he nature, the universe. step back...really look at yourself and ask for the strength to go on in a postive fashion....refuel and realize that you are but in a moment. it will pass also *huGz* you are just in a moment in time...  |
