Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute, Mr. Johnson! Listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house, and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store, there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing.
When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer.
That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up.
When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer.
And believe me Mister, as God is my witness ... all I did was tell her!"
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood.
Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
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There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
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Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux went out in the Gulf of Mexico fishing. They were gone a couple of months. On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away. Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says "Look at dat, we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over here & built a telephone company!"
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Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking her over carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet!"
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What's the favorite TV show in Arkansas? Touched By An Uncle.
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A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills
to the impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"
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A man was brought up on charges of bigamy.
The judged looked at the docket and said, "Good God, man! You're charged with marrying six women. How could you do such a thing?"
"Hey, judge, gimme a break," the man replied. "I was only trying to find a good one."
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Three Religious Truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.
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