Granny was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it ,filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise! And curiosity! Surely, Miss Granny had flipped!! But he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with the tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer--- "Miss Granny" he said while pointing to the bowl,"I wonder if you could tell me about this?" "Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't is wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know---I haven't had a cold all winter."
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Q: Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A: He broke all 10 commandments at once.
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WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
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The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.
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Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here try these on. So she did and said, These are too big, I can't wear them. So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems
Jack thinks that might be good advice. So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, Here, try these on. She does and says, "These are too large; they don't fit me." So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack, and says, "Here, you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your pants." Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart attitude, you never will."
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The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank, until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook, a wonderful mother to our kids."
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Sue: I just don't share the enthusiasm some new parents have for babies.
Barb: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Sue: Last week I spent a whole afternoon with Janie and her two brats, and my Fallopian tubes tied themselves!
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He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said, "My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband, you know there's no one but you."
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A colleague of mine in a rural school district in south Mississippi tells the following story.
I was giving out worksheets in an English class when one of my students raised her hand and said, "Mrs. Mormon, there is an ugly word on this paper". Knowing this to be false I responded, "Honey, you must be mistaken. Which statement do you think has the ugly word?"
The student's reply was "Number five"
Statement number five read "My grandfather went to the garden to work with his new hoe." A prompt discussion on garden utensils ensued.
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