Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked. "Not on her best day." Hank replied. "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked. "No, she's broke." "Well then, is it love?" "Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe." "Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?" "She can sue me for child support!"
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Harlem politician Al Sharpton was visited in Brooklyn Federal Jail by Senator Hillary Clinton. That's the difference between New York and Arkansas. In Arkansas, politicians go to jail AFTER they talk to Hillary.
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Something to think about
In 1923, Who Was
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: to heck with work. Play golf.
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Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
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Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
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Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
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Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc.
When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts.
At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them.........."Moosellaneous."
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"Wow, teacher," Morris said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"
"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the sea of reeds. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved."
"Oh," said Morris. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Gee, teacher ! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"
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