Oh , it's a very long story , I will try to make it as short as possible . I feel like I have completely turned away from God . I mean , I grew up in the church and was close with God until my family left our church when I was about 11 or 12 . Things went down hill from them . The music I listen to , the way I talked .....every thing about me changed . I started to smoke , got cought up in witch craft and also with the wrong people . People who said they were my friends but were backstabbers in reality . Right before I turned 14 I started going back to church again but this time we were going somewhere else . At first I was so mad to be there , I had been away from church for so long and now it felt like I was being forced to go back .... This was not right ! I continued to ang with the wrong people and got deeper into witch craft even when we were going back to church . It wasn't until December of 2002 that I gave my life back to God , but it didn't get easy like I thought it would . I thought I could give up my friends and the witch craft in a blink of an eye , I was very wrong ! I still struggled with stealing cigarettes , although I never did smoke that often . And it never really was me who took them , my friend got them from her mom . I called my self a christian , but deep down I knew I wasn't . I still cussed like a sailor , still listened to bad music , had bad friends , was into witchcraft and I know there is soo much more . I still went to church though , I got use to it . I acted like I was worshipping and all ....I really wasn't . Deep inside , I was so depressed and sick of my self . I didn't want to be fake , but once you get so tangled in some thing ...it is hard to get out . I got so bad I had to start seeing a couselor because of my attitude problems . I never told them about my interest with witch craft or about me smoking . No one knew ....I wanted to just be normal and to be like I use to be , REAL. As I started to go to church more my interest in witchcraft started to fade away , it was still there but not as strong . I began praying more and getting active in church , I was slowly getting better :-)I quit smoking but I still was hanging in the wrong crowd and still was thinking about witchcraft now and then ....not alot though . I was proud of my self because I was startign to get strong again . In 2003 I started singing in the youth band and I was getting active in youth drama . I actually started getting axious to go to church on Sundays and on Wenesdays :-) It was my life , I was so active in church that I was there a lot ! So , there wasn't time to think about smoking or witchcraft , I couldn't afford to lose what I had . But the point is , no matter what I did ....in the back of my mind I thought about all the other things . Like said , the thought of witch craft was fading but never GONE . My backstabbing friends were still in the picture and basically , I was a christian in church and not in public . I hated my self for it . I really truly did not want to be that way .......I don't know if anyone beleives me or not but I didn't wanna be a lie any more . I didn't know how to get out of it . I started getting bad again in late 2003 , I had to quit singing in the youth band because of the stress of being at church all the time . Thats when the whole witch craft started comign back strong ......here it is in 2004 , and I find my self thinking of it again not all the time but more often .I am proud to say that I do not smoke any more and I DID cut some of the bad friends out of my life ....but I am having more problems .....it seems like nowadays I am so fake . I am one thing with my friends and another with people at church and my christian friends . I don't know if it is because I want to look good infront of my non christian friends or what . I just know that I have become sooo two faced that it is not funny . I find my self crying so much these days because I am in love with God but I want people to just like me , so I am a complete different person to other people around me . I don't know how to help my self any more . I want to be on fire for God , but there are so many temptations . I want to be like the people at church and I don't want ot listen to the music that I listen to , talk the way I talk or hang with the people I han with ....but it is like an addiction . I CANNOT STOP ! please pray for me because I need all the prayers I can get . I need God to help me because I am falling more than ever and I am afraid for my self :-( One of these days I won't be able to get my self out of trouble ... Soem times it feels like I have betrayed God so bad and I don't even want to think about him or what I once had with him. I think to my self " how can God love me after what I have done ?" and it makes it worse too ! I know God loves me and that he won't leave me , once you accept him into your heart he stays forever ...the bible says so . I just need help to realize that everyone fails and I am not the only one . Please pray that I will be able to quit my addictions to people , witch craft and bad music...........
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