He's teaching her arithmetic, He said it was his mission, He kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." And as he added smack by smack In silent satisfaction, She sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, Without an explanation, And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then Dad appeared upon the scene and Made a quick decision. He kicked that kid three blocks away And said, "That's long division!"
====================
The stock market is active , so we present the Yellow Creek Stock Report:
**Helium was up, feathers were down, paper remained stationery.
**Flourescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
**Cows steered into a bull market.
**Pencils lost a few points.
**Hiking equipment was trailing.
**Elvators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
**Weights were up in heavy trading.
**Light switches were off.
**Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
**Diapers remained unchanged.
**Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
**The market for raisins dried up.
**Coca Cola fizzled.
**Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
**Sun peaked at midday.
**Balloon prices were inflated.
**Scott tissue touched a new bottom.
**And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
==========================
Here is the lost paragraph in GENESIS.... So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion when ever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And the rest is history.
=====================
"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?" "Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!" "I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron. "Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti. "Wow," says the customer, "can I try?" "Be my guest," the bartender replies. The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar. Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the HeCK are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent. Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the HeCK kind of stupid looking bird is that?" "That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob. The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my BUTT!" " AND THE REST IS HISTORY "
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"The average human heart beats 100,000 times a day. Make those beats count."
Dear God,
I know you're watching over me
And I'm feeling truly blest
For no matter what I pray for
You always know what's best!
I have this circle of E-mail friends,
Who mean the world to me;
Some days I "send" and "send,"
At other times, I let them be.
I am so blessed to have these friends,
With whom I've grown so close;
So this little poem I dedicate to them,
Because to me they are the "Most"!
When I see each name download,
And view the message they've sent;
I know they've thought of me that day,
And "well wishes" were their intent.
So to you, my friends, I would like to say,
Thank you for being a part;
Of all my daily contacts,
This comes right from my heart.
God bless you all is my prayer today,
I'm honored to call you "friend";
I pray the Lord will keep you safe,
Until we write again.
It really feels good to know you may have cheered someone up or made their day!
=================
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
=====================
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week". "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day". "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour".
=======================
Here's some interesting medical information that I wanted to share with all my friends.
*One glass of water shuts down hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters in a university study.
*Lack of water is the Number One trigger of daytime fatigue.
*Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
*A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or printed page.
*Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
All of the above information is true. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
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