What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? -----Drool.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? -----A full set of teeth.
How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? -----Grease her hips and push like hell.
How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch? -----Pay him for the pizza.
Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Why is the Vandy football team like a possum? -----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? -----His freshman year.
How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? -----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . .)
Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color ? -----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
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Guess I finally figured out why I do the things I do!!
Health Update
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No I don't", I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a DARN if you live to be 80?"
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A man goes into a pub, sets at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
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"TEACHERS LIE" The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
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Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing."
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A doctor at a mental institution, decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. He was a very dedicated doctor to his patients and he affectionately called them his “Nuts” When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what in the heck is going on"?. The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
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"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW! What a ride!"
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