here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few... Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
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One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully surveyed the turtles in view. After a few moments of thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his foot, and kicked the turtle as far as he could. A watching hyena asked the elephant why he did it. "Well, about 30 years ago I was walking through a stream and a turtle bit my foot. Finally I found the same one and repaid him for what he had done to me." "30 years!!! And you remembered...But how???" The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."
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The Guy Dictionary
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
===============
Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them. So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-worldly powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea just like he had when he was much, much younger. Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still have the power?" "Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses. So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter. "Must be those daRn holes in your feet," Moses responded.
=====================
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try to buy up all the drugs themselves and thereby remove them from circulation. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to buy the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John ?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke ?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas ?" "The FBI, ! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
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She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
she stayed up all night studying for a pap test.... She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
======================
"I Threw Out..."
Last week I threw out Worrying, It was getting old and in the way. It kept me from being me; I couldn't do things my way.
I threw out those Inhibitions; They were just crowding me out. Made room for my New Growth, Got rid of my old dreams and doubts.
I threw out a book on My Past (didn't have time to read it anyway) Replaced it with New Goals, Started reading it today.
I threw out childhood toys Remember how I treasured them so? Got me a new Philosophy too, Threw out the one from long ago
Brought in some new books too, Called I Can, I Will, and I Must. Threw out I might, I think and I ought. Wow! You should've seen the dust.
I picked up this special thing And placed it at the front door. I Found It -- its called Peace Nothing gets me down anymore.
Yes, I've got my house looking nice. Looks good around the place For things like Worry and Trouble There just isn't any place.
Its good to do a little house cleaning, Get rid of the old things on the shelf. It sure makes things brighter Thank you God for cleaning up my-self.
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Why a Kitten is Better Than a Baby ---------------------------------- Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.
You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you're going to finance your kitten's college education.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
You only have to change the litter box once a day.
==============
Single__, Married__, Divorced__ ---------------------------------- The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that wanted to know: Single__, Married__, Divorced__.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was filling out the same form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."
====================
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
``Port Left, Starboard Right创
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A young man took a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy restaurant. While studying the menu, she asked, "What's filet mignon?" Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's pickled goat's liver. Why?"
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