Date: 5/16/2004 4:51:00 AM
From Authorid: 30747
Honey, first of all you NOT horrible at all. You're parants obviously have emotional problems. They should not be calling you names or anything else. If you are like any other young teen, you probubly mouth off and have an attitude. It's okay. It's part of growing up. Some parants understand that and some don't. It sounds like your parants forgot what it was like to be your age and take their frustrations out on you. In this stressful world that we live in sometimes adults forget to be more tolerant of the changes their children are going througe but it doesn't mean they don't love you or really want you gone. What they want is your cooperation. When mom asks you do to something, do it without a fuss. When dad gets angry stay out of his way. Don't make yourself a target to his anger. Don't give them any reason to be mean. You see, in their minds they think you deserve it because you may talk back or give them a hard time. I can almost guarantee you that if you try harder to please them that things will change. They will see how badly they treated you. Hon, I know it will be hard because your parants sound very difficult but I don't want them hurting you and unfortunately that is the only way to deal with people like that. Soon enough you will be out on your own and a better person then they could ever be if you learn not to be like tham. If you need to talk, I'm here. *hugs*  |
Date: 5/16/2004 7:27:00 AM
From Authorid: 15400
SoulDrifter has given you some great advice. I know it has to be hard. I wish you the best of luck.  |
Date: 5/16/2004 11:16:00 AM
From Authorid: 47218
okay, woah. You are in serious trouble here! Without knowing you personally, I can tell you for a fact that this isn't happening to you because you are a terrible person. You first of all have to resist the impulse to blame yourself for what is going on here. Your mother is not well. Healthy parents may be hard on their children sometimes-- they may punish them for misbehaving- but they NEVER NOT HURT THEM. They do not insult them and they do not call them names. What your mother is doing to you is abuse-- mental abuse. Often, an abusee's first reaction is to blame themselves for the abuse-- if they were a better person, if they'd just behave better, it wouldn't happen. Not true! Your mother is a sick woman and totally out of line. She is the one with the problem. Secondly, the wording of your post seriously alarms me! I have been dealing for the past 2 years with a suicidal friend (5 or 6 suicide attempts now) and I can tell you that when someone says so much about hating themselves, wanting to hurt themselves and wanting to die, that they are in SERIOUS NEED OF HELP. I urge you to speak to a psychiatrist or a psychologist as soon as possible. Tell them everything you've just old us. Please.  |
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Date: 5/16/2004 11:17:00 AM
From Authorid: 47218
and another thing...it is obvious to me that you need to get yourself out of this abusive situation. How are things with your father? Could you go live with him, perhaps? Or is there a relative or friend that might take you in? |
Date: 5/16/2004 2:26:00 PM
From Authorid: 43186
mollycat has good words. All I wud add would be to tell you to tell a school counselor about all of this..they can help. Hugs,  |
Date: 5/16/2004 3:00:00 PM
From Authorid: 36704
I also agree with Mollycat, and don't ever listen to anyone who tells you that if you change or behave better things will all of the sudden change. It's not your fault, your mother has a problem. Things won't change, they don't know what they're talking about and that's pretty much the equivalent of someone telling a battered wife, to try to please her husband more so he'll quit beating her. Common sense people.....common sense. I wish you the best of luck and think mollycat gave you some great advice.  |
Date: 5/16/2004 3:03:00 PM
From Authorid: 5229
I couldnt have said it better myself, Base.  |
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Date: 5/16/2004 3:41:00 PM
From Authorid: 30747
Hey guys listen I'm not telling Cosmic Freak to change. I am being realistic. I have alot of experiance with preteen and teen kids. I've got a 13 year old son who thinks I'm the worlds biggest nag. When I ask him to clean his room he wants to call child protective. LOL Children need to learn tolarance and cooperation and it starts at home. Yes, this mother is over the line but we aren't there are we? We don't know what is pushing her to it do we? The trouble with most kids (and I'm not saying it's the case here CF) is that it's too easy to blame the parant when they are being puched to it by the child and of course the child is never going to admit to that. We always say run to the nearest athority and put it in there head that every harsh word is "abuse". In the mean time (and I've seen it many times) the child is just as abusive. Once again CF I'm not sayiing this about you. But I am saying that if you are more tolerant as EVERYONE should with each other in ANY situation then things turn in your favor. We all need to be held accountable, adult and child alike, and that is the lesson I'm trying to get acrossed here. If this mother is so bad then I have to ask what dad is doing about it? |
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Date: 5/16/2004 4:26:00 PM
From Authorid: 36704
that's even worse then your first reply, I honestly hope she doesn't see your replies |
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Date: 5/16/2004 8:23:00 PM
From Authorid: 47218
Souldrifter, as I implied before-- there is a line between punishment and abuse. If, in addition to telling your son that he needs to clean his room, you cuss at him and tell him that he is "stupid" and use any other sort of put down to erode his self-confidence, then that is abuse and he OUGHT to call child protective services on you. (I'm not assuming that you do that) With an abuser, there is no amount of tolerance that is going to change their behavior because the problem doesn't lie with the people who they abuse, it lies in THEM. Unfortunately, the person on the receiving end of the abuse often gets the impression that they are ones responsible and so they just allow the abuse to continue because they feel guilty about it, which is why telling someone who is being abused that things would change if they only acted differently is damaging advice. Also, the fact that this poor girl has the impulse to jab sharp things into herself ought to tell you that something is really wrong and this isn't the usual parent/teenager conflict. I'm sorry if I seem quarrelsome, I just want to make sure CF seeks help before something really bad happens. |
Date: 5/16/2004 11:10:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 62146
guys I do admit it is my fault somtimes and yes perents do tell of thier kids it is a fact but my dad and other family members who see this acctaully are on my side. I do ahv e acompletly messy room though she is getting mad at me she says stuff like "why don't I just shoot myself" when ever my room is messy it is so hard to judg things with her she is unpredictabble.  |
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Date: 5/17/2004 2:10:00 AM
From Authorid: 47218
my room was a pig sty when I was a teen and I did test my mother (as is common with teenage girls) and though she, understandably, lost her temper on more than one occassion, she NEVER ONCE called me "stupid" or any other deragatory, demeaning term. I'm sorry, don't care what anyone else says, that just ain't right. |
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Date: 5/17/2004 2:40:00 AM
From Authorid: 30747
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Molly Cat, I don 't know whether to laugh of stommp my foot in protest. I have NEVER in my life called my son any sort of name. Perhaps you should read my responses more carefully. I was kidding about child protective. (we have a sense of humor in my house) I'm the last person you would consider abusive. If anything, I'm too leniant because I understand what it's like to be a teenager these days. He gets away with mouthing off and has an attitude like the world owes him. Unfortunately my observation is that alot of kids are like that these days....I'm not saying Cosmic Freak is because I do not know. Those of you who like to think I am being mean can think what you like. I'm being realistic. Cosmic Freak I applaud you for being honest and responsible. Like I said before, your mom has a problem and is over the top. Unfortunately, you as a child have very little recourse when it comes to verbal abuse. Keep your wits about you and do not let her get the better of you by retaliating. Speak to those adults who see this and hopefully someone with athority can intervien on your behalf. The best way to handle someone like your mom is NOT to give them a reason in her mind to say nasty things and this will give you the upper hand. In the long run this will give you no doubt that you don't deserve it. At your age the mind can do all kinds of funky stuff with your ego and I don't want to see that happen to you. Sorry to those who don't understand but I know a thing or two about this kind of abuse. I am in no way sidding with the mother here. I'm giving practical, realistic advice to survive this mentally. CF look out for yourself and be strong. |
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Date: 5/17/2004 6:17:00 AM
From Authorid: 36704
Here's what's wrong with your latest reply Souldrifter. "The best way to handle someone like your mom is NOT to give them a reason in her mind to say nasty things and this will give you the upper hand. In the long run this will give you no doubt that you don't deserve it." That is inappropriate and completely unrealistic because no one is perfect but what you're telling her is to try to be. By telling her to not give her mother a reason to treat her that way you're laying the blame at her feet without realizing it and if she follows your advice she'll inevitably do something wrong at some point whether it's leaving her backpack laying around, not cleaning something to her mother's standards that will set her mother off and when her mother goes off you've just reinforced the fact that what her mother tells her is true and also reinforced her feelings of guilt and worthlessness that eventually drives people in these types of situations to suicide. You say you have a lot of experience in these types of situations and that's scary because you don't know how to handle them appropriately. "I'm giving practical, realistic advice to survive this mentally." No, actually you've managed to say just about everything that you should never say to someone in this type of situation, your "advice" is not pratical or realistic but damaging on more than one level. |
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Date: 5/17/2004 11:12:00 AM
From Authorid: 47218
Souldrifter, I apologize-- please refer back to the part in parenthesis in my reply-- "I'm not assuming that you do that." In other words, I'm really not accusing you of being an abusive parent. If anything, I was trying to bring out the contrast in what you do as parent against what is really unhealthy. I know you only mean the best, but I have to add to Base's reply that I think it is also a very bad thing to tell an abused person that don't have any recourse-- an abused person usually already feels trapped and powerless and it is difficult as is to get them to recognize that there are places that they can turn to for help. And it sounds like CF has plenty of family members on her side, not to mention the school counselor and whatever other adults to whom she is confiding her problems. She does have recourse-- she should tell whichever adults she trusts the best exactly what is going on and what she is feeling. Someone should be able to help. |
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Date: 5/19/2004 8:20:00 AM
From Authorid: 30747
Sorry didn't get back sooner guys. Base and Mollycat, I do see your point(s) but I have to stand by my feeling that kids will be kids and sometimes push more than they should. I'm not saying that is the case here. I in no way think CF deserves to be called names. Her mom obviously has some serious issues. However, why wave a red flag in front of a bull when you can walk away unharmed? CF and other kids need those of us who do understand and sympathize to teach them not to be hurt like this by using their common sense. Sure a child who is being called nasty names can go and complain but honestly, who is really going to listen or help? It is a sad fact that verbal and emotional abuse is not addressed in the system. I know because I worked for the system. It's another sad fact that children today need to harden up a little to survive in this world. As much as it breaks my heart to think of how hurt CF and other children are by people like her mother the facts are she's going to have a heck of an easier time learning to deal with the crap than to getting someone to do something about it. In the long run it will be more emotionally healthy for CF to walk away from her mother without saying a single word, not fight back, not give her mother a reason to freak out and let another adult handle it. And it is up to CF to make another adult aware of all this...every adult she sees if she has to but not confront the mother. If no adult says or does anything to change the situation, at least CF will have the satisfaction of knowing she is a better person for walking away from that insanity. Sorry CF, didn't mean to talk like you weren't here. I hope you understand me. I came from an alcholic verbally abusive household along with 6 brothers and sisters. I didn't think I would survive it. Someone who cared gave me the same advice I gave you and I learned to love myself for it. On the other hand 4 of my brothers and sisters are seriously messed up and one is dead. I don't mean to go on like this but obviously I care, I came back to check on you. What ever you do or don't do, always remember you have the potential to be great. Chose to let her get to you and you will go no where, walk away from her and you will go where ever you want to go. |
