= = = = = "LETTER TO XEROX" = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL   Author:  27583  Category:(Humor) Created:(5/16/2004 12:10:00 PM) This post has been Viewed (498 times) "LETTER TO XEROX" Dear Kings of Kopiers: I just started a new job as an exterminator's assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients. Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper. While the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I'd better check with you about it. On the box, there is a little thing that says 99.99% jam free. I know that sometimes wood finds its way into paper, but jam? I was always taught to keep all food and drinks away from computer equipment, especially something as sticky as jam. Now, I realize that it is a very small amount of jam in each piece of paper, but we use an awful LOT of paper, my friends, and all that jam is sure to add up. Won't that adversely affect the life of our printer? I mean, I'm sure you know what you're doing when it comes to paper, but we use more than the average consumer, so maybe we would be better off with a "Jam-free" paper, if you offer such a product. I will look for it next time I am shopping, which will be soon, as I don't want to use any more of this paper until I find out if it's really safe. If it is safe, why not say "Contains .01% jam, but it's perfectly safe" in big letters, since I'm sure that I am not the only one who has this concern. You may end up selling a lot more paper that way. By the way, I'm curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn't look like confettii? Just curious. Also, I'd appreciate a Xerox keychain. Thanks, Dave Cilluffo ----- The Reply ----- Thank you for your message. We greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper. We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch. Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled donuts. Our tests have shown that the .01% jam isn't harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it. In fact, the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print. However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around. You may wish to enhance paper performance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper. They absolutely work best when used together. Or, if you prefer, you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper. Whatever you choose, we are sure you will be pleased with the results. In appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T- shirt. If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know. [Editor's Note: This is a supposedly true letter sent to the Xerox corporation, although I'm making no guarantees.] ====================== After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?" =================== Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old wife for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a fellow brave saw him back with his original forty- year old wife. He said, "What happened to your two twenty-year-olds?" The Chief replied, "Me no wired for 220!" ==================== Questions only dumb people would ask: * How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? * How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass? * How do you get off a non-stop flight? * How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? * How do you throw away a garbage can? * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? * How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? * If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? * If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham- hock? * If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless, naked, or both? ===================== Men VS. Women MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Any- thing a man says after that is the beginning of a new argu- ment. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. ==================== THE STATES NEWEST MOTTOS North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click here Scroll all the way down to read replies. Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here ) Spring is coming