An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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I believe in miracles And dreams that will come true, And I believe in happiness And friendship through and through I believe that when you cry Your tears are not in vain And when you're sad and lonely, Someone knows that you're in pain.
I believe that when you laugh Sparkles start to shine, And before you know These sparks will spread And if I share with others, There's more for all to see
I believe that love is still The greatest gift of all, And when it's given from the heart, Love will conquer all.
From more hearts than just mine. I believe the gift you have Are there for you to share, And when you give them from the heart, The whole world knows you care.
I believe that if you give, Even just to one, That gift will grow in magnitude Before the day is done. I believe that comfort comes From giving part of me,
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Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. ”You will die on an American holiday.” ”Which one?” Osama bin Laden asks nervously. ”It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday.”
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Osama bin Laden phoned President Bush. I had a dream about the United States, he said. I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner, said Bin Laden. What was on the banner? Asked Mr. Bush. “LONG LIVE OSAMA!!! Answered the terrorist. I’m so glad you called, said President Bush, because I too had a dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt with many tall gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools full of men and woman. And over every building and home was a big beautiful banner. What did it say? Asked Osama. ”I don’t know answered President Bush, I can’t read Hebrew.”
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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, “the price will be only $5.50.” From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out: “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?”
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Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag. ”I---I think I svallowed a bone,” Hymie gasped. ”Hymie,” said Morris, “are you choking?” ”No, idwe, I’m serious!”
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"I'd like to get married again, but I'm afraid of that marital commitment we're talking two, three years of my life."
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A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to the doctor. The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?" He tells her yes my name is, "Timmy." And Timmy, do you know your mom's name? Yes her name is Mommy, said Timmy. And what is Mommy's real name and little Timmy says, it's "Tammy." That is great the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor asked, and what is your daddy's name? Timmy said it is daddy. Finally the doctor asked, and what does mommy call him? Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "BUTTHEAD."
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
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