Oy Sarah, I just heard the news” said Esther. “Your husband drowned and left you ten million dollars. And he couldn’t even read or write.” Sarah smiled, “Yeah, thank God he couldn’t swim either.”
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Oy vey! I’ve got good news and bad news about our son.” Said Mrs. Shapiro to her husband. ”Give me the bad news first!” said Mr. Shapiro. ”Our boy’s become a homosexual!” ”Oy! So what’s the good news?” ”He’s going with a rich doctor!”
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I'M THANKFUL
For the partner who hogs the covers every night, because he is not out with someone else. For the child who is not cleaning their room, but is watching TV, because it means they are at home, and not on the streets. For the taxes I pay, because it means that I am employed. For the mess to clean after a party, because it means I have been surrounded by friends. For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat. For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am in the sunshine. For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home. For all the complaints I hear about the Government, because it means that we have Freedom of Speech. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I an capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation. For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm. For the lady being me in Church that sings off key, because it means that I can hear. For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive. For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me. Forward this to YOUR friends to let them know you're thinking of them!
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And they say they're not learning anything...
The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 17 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.) (I saw we give the "cow & milk" answer partial credit)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs
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Jill and Debbie went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other. Debbie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Jill coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins. "Hey, Debbie," said Jill, "how'd you do?" "Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours." Jill said: "You should have been with me . . . did I ever find a good machine! It's way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you . . . you can't lose! Every time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"
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