A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, all meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday trips. You'll get a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're kidding' me right!"
The social worker says, "Yeah? Well, you started it."
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Things that make you go. Hmmm.....
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton tea employees take coffee breaks?
How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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A blind man goes into a tavern, finds the bar, and sits down. When the bartender comes over and asks what he'd like to drink, he says, "I'd like to get a beer and tell blonde joke." The bartender says, "Well, I'll give you a beer, no problem, but you should know that I weigh 250 pounds, and I'm a blonde. Also, my brother is sitting next to you. He's also about 250, and he's blonde too. My cousin is sitting at the table behind you, he weighs almost 300 pounds, and he's a blonde. Are you sure you want to tell the blonde joke?"
The blind guy thinks a minute, then says, "Well, I guess I'll have the beer, but I won't tell the blonde joke."
"Why not?" asks the bartender.
"Well," the blind guy says, "I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to fill a trash compacter?
A: All of them, if you're lucky.
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Looking on Amazon at the new Janet Jackson album, there's a "29% off" label attached to it. Wonder what the FCC will have to say about *that*?
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I'm in the military, and the Army has just seen fit to move me to Washington, DC for a bit. I'm from a small town down in Florida, so this is a bit different for me. For example, I've never had to park in anything but a parking lot. This parking on the side of the street seems odd.
Today, in the course of my job, I was running around town late at night. I ended up having to stop near the White House about midnight on a friday night. Now, I normally park in a government parking garage here, but it's closed. So I look around the streets to find a spot. I find one open, but see 4 signs next to it on a Telephone Pole. All of these signs have an arrow pointing both directions, which to me means the whole street.
Sign 1- A bus with an X through it, says NO PARKING. Ok, I say to myself, No Parking for buses.
Sign 2- NO PARKING 6.30 to 9.30AM, 4.30 to 7.30PM, Weekdays Ok, it's not those times.
Sign 3- NO PARKING Except for Sundays. Erm.... ok.... what was Sign 2 about then?
Sign 4- NO PARKING ANYTIME. Erm... ok... what was Sign 1, 2, and 3 about then?
To me that's funny enough, but it does get better.
Anyway, I'm already about an hour late on my rounds, so I park, hurry, do my job, hurry back. A Cop is parked behind me.... Great. Quick check... No cop in the car, no cop at my pickup, no ticket on the windshield, no boot on my wheel... Ok, I seem to be fine. I fill out some paperwork on my tailgate that I skipped in order to get back faster, and as I finish, I look up to see a cop walking towards me.
Well, I am wearing a crisp, freshly pressed uniform and highly polished boots, I look fairly offical, and cops in my town, at least, cut you slack if you are trying to do the right thing. So I walk up to him, and ask "Sir, could you help me out for a second? With all these signs, I'm not entirely certain I'm parked in a legal space. I'd be more then happy to move if I'm not."
The cop looks at my truck, then looks at the signs for a few moments. He finially looks back at me and says, "I don't know. We won't ticket you though, the most we will do is run your tag. But if it is Illegal, watch out for the metro police."
I love this town. The cops can't even tell if what you do is illegal.
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Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
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He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...repairmen refused to work in the house...the maid quit...finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the small was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and h is new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including the curtain rods.
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