George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!"
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At our local funeral parlor families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender." Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
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While working as a television news camera man, I arrived at an accident scene, and a camera man from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
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An old man was telling his grandson the secret to a long, happy, fruitful life. "The secret," he said, "is to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal each morning."
The grandson thought this was odd, but still he did it every morning. And the old timer was right. When the young boy died, he left behind 13 children, 23 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!
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Lately my friend has been daydreaming about having another baby. She has all these infantasies. (Cynthia MacGregor)
My roof leaks due to a lack of good ceiling. (The Big Pun)
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying. (Renee from Napa)
The school coach worked with his star pitcher on the learning curve. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the "stainless stealer." (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? Her husband cut up her credit cards. (Haust Javeri)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. (Pun of the Day)
The building contractor needed the money from a castle remodeling job to buy his new television set. It would be impossible for him to watch TV without a re-moat. (Daniel Riehs)
I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he filed his bills. It was labeled "Due unto others." (J. Wilson)
She couldn't help throwing up at funerals. She was suffering from Mourning Sickness! (Johann von Haupkopf)
Is it really San Andreas' fault that California has so many earthquakes? (Lawrence Brotherton)
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution. (Daryl Stout)
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and how about one for the road." (Clean Laughs)
Victoria's Secret is launching a new line of a wide variety of Freudian slips. (Norm Gilbert)
Auto body-shop sign: "We come highly wreck-a-mended" (Anita M. Gard)
Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet? They loved in vein. (Daryl Stout)
"Oh, look!" I said. "A crocodile." "No," my friend corrected me. "It's walking between those two buildings--it's obviously an alleygator." (Cynthia MacGregor)
I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Stable relationships are for horses (Renee from Napa)
There was an English teacher who kept her class spell bound. (Pun of the Day)
Some daze I just can't seem to focus. (Crazy Puns)
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. (D. A. Funk)
Old politicians never die, they just get devoted. (Pun of the Day)
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A man was showing his friend a new set of matching golf clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."
"What did you buy your wife?" the friend asked.
The man said, "A new matching bicycle and lawn mower."
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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
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A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally BIT on your butt?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
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If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!
Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on Mother's Day? Why not send her back her daughter???
A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."
Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.
Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons/daughters marry a person with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards, yet still manage to have utterly brilliant children.
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You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.(Siglets/ Very Punny)
The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was Sir Cumference (Pun of the Day)
A boy who looked like his father the sculptor was a chip off the old block (Pun of the Day)
The jockey thought he was so clever feeding marijana to his steed to enhance it's performance. Well, now he's busted, and it's time for him to get off his high horse. (David Reihmer)
Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers. (Renee from Napa)
"Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner." Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer." (Michael Rogers)
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! (Douglas Helsel)
The man who worked in the gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum? His boss had to chew him out. (Pun of the Day)
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