TRUISMS !!
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
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I'd be so lost without you, And I need to tell you why. You are so very dear to me, A star that lights my sky. I'd feel just like the April rain, Except without the showers, Or maybe like the honeybee, With no nectar for my flowers.
I'd be just like a windmill With no breezes left to blow, Or maybe like a prodigal son, Who has no place to go. I'd feel just like a sparrow, Who had a broken wing, Or, a multicolored robin, Who's forgotten how to sing.
I would be the summer sky, Without a hint of blue, Or the lovely deep red roses, Unkissed by morning dew. I'd feel just like the whippoorwill, Who had lost his will to fly. If you've wondered how I'd feel Without you by my side.
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TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE BROKE
10. AMERICAN EXPRESS calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
9. You're seriously thinking about a way you might be able to rob the food bank.
8. The telephone companies no longer call you to switch.
7. You rob Peter...AND rob Paul.
6. All your fingernails are broken off from frantically digging in the couch trying to find change.
5. You now consider a lottery ticket as a Great Investment!!!
4. Your bologna has no first name.
3. Sally Struthers sends you food.
2. All your kitchen condiments come from McDonalds & Burger King.
And The Number #1 Sign You Are Broke Is:
(Drum Roll)
. At communion you go back for seconds!
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Sam and Morris were two part-time actors, always looking for work. Each day they would meet at their favorite bench in the park and discuss their plight in getting a part. Meeting Sam at the bench, this particular day, Morris said, “Guess what, I have an audition tomorrow at the Yiddish theatre.” “Good luck; I’ll see you tomorrow and you can tell me how it went.” Said Sam. The next day, the two met at the bench in the park. “Nu Morris, how did the audition go? Asked Sam. “Okay, I got the part. I play a man who has been married to a fine Jewish women, for the last 25 years.” Replies Morris. “So Mazel Tov…but why are you acting so gloomy?” “Well Sam, to tell you the truth, I was hoping for a speaking part.”
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Sam walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, “I want to buy some toilet paper.” She says, “What color?” He says, “Give me white. I’ll color it myself.”
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Sammy, a little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” Sammy responded immediately. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” Sammy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Rabbi said: .... 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
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Sammy ‘the silent one’ was a man of very few words. One Saturday he went to temple, but his wife, Sherry, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, “Was the sermon good?” ”Yup,” was Sammy’s brief reply. ”What was it about?” Sherry asked. ”Sin.” ”And what did the Rabbi say?” ”He’s against it.”
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“Say, Jim,” Steve said to his pal, “how do you like your new job?” ”It’s the worst job I ever had.” ”How long have you been there?” ”About three months.” ”Why don’t you quit?” ”No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I’ve looked forward to going home.”
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Buy land, they're not making it anymore." -Mark Twain
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On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door." After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
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Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this carefully, with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man.
Mr. Smith pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
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A police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the officer asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."
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