It started out innocently enough...
I began to think at parties now and then-to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone- "to relax," I told myself.
-- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home.
One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my mate about the meaning of life, but she just spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job.
I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in.
He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
Now I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today, I registered to vote Republican!
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One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President.Bush"
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush"
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, Sir.
================
Dear Sir,
My name is Al Key Hada and since 9-11, my life has been hell. I work in a transmission shop in southern Arkansas and make about 8 dollars and hour. I called the local airline and when I tried to make a reservation, they wouldn't do it. They asked me, "Are you really Al Key Hada?
"Yep, that's me born and bred Al Key Hada" I responded.
Thirty minutes later the FBI, CIA, the local police, INS, and the Arkansas state Police Showed up at my house, searched me, my home and impounded my collection of cherry bombs and m-80's. They took me in, fingerprinted me and took photos of me. Heck they didn't even give me a copy of the photo!
They asked me why I wanted to fly to New York City. I told them I was supposed to visit my uncle Sam Laden. He is old, about 92 years old and his middle name is Ben. We call him 'Ole Sam Ben Laden. When I told them that Ole Sam Ben Laden is in New York, they just about had a cow.
After they feed me a moonpie and an RC cola, I told them my son was going to go with me. They asked me if he was Al Key Hada? I said, "Yep, he is Al Key Hada jr" He works in the local garment plant and tears up old garments. He is a tearist. The FBI just about had kittens when I mentioned he was a tearist.
So please, after you read this letter do what you can to free my family.
Regards, Al Key Hada, and Al Key Hada Jr for 'Ole Sam Ben Laden
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Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
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While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"
====================
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
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