Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
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At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
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An old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
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A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!"
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Company Motivation Posters You'll Probably Never See 1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) We put the "k" in "kwality."
5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
10) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
11) Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
12) If at first you don't succeed, try management.
13) Never quit until you have another job.
14) The floggings will continue until morale improves.
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Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. I does not know anything about health. If you have health concerns, contact a medical doctor!]
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Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, was popularly known as "Silent Cal." One time at a party, a woman walked up to him and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."
Coolidge replied, "You lose."
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A man shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" The doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
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A seven year-old comes to class one morning after being absent the day before. His teacher asked, "Why weren't you at school yesterday?"
"Well, my Granddad got burnt," he explains.
"Oh dear. He wasn't too badly hurt was he?" the teacher replies.
"Oh yes, they don't mess around at those crematoriums!"
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A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
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