A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note.
Dear Becky,
I"m sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.
Love, Ricky
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A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
He hastily scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man came back to his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, idiot!"
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At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
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Toilet training a young child is always a matter of pot luck. (Evan Esar)
Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It's 'cause their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. (Cynthia MacGregor)
The bar mirror allowed him to watch his drinking. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The priest did not appreciate the smell coming from the commune. He was incensed. (Jason Dias)
The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth. It was a case of acid dental death. (Alex Rodriquez)
Most people thought the location of the church under the billboard was an accident, but it was really by design. (Jason Dias)
She dumped the guitarist because he wanted to string her along. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Dieting is a way of living a little longer by starving yourself to death. (Renee From Napa)
As he approached the bridge in rush hour, his radio played The Car Strangled Spanner. (Pun of the Day)
When the trucker passed the mountain driving test, he made the grade. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
One young lady told a friend, 'Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a dress.' The other one said, 'I've always wondered where you got them.' (Milton Berle)
While delivering 1000 gallons of dark pigment he almost painted, then blacked out. (Pun of the Day)
When she ran out of window cleaner, Mom faced no solution. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Earthquake predictors are faultfinders. (Tim Davis)
After he hung the mirror he reflected on it. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
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The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Avril finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
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Really, Really Bad Traffic * Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper.
* Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.
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Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa. They both notice that the lion is about to attack them. One of the men puts down his camera and slowing changes from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man see this and says, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove.... to Duluth. . OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents." . THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ... "Yep, dat's her!" . SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used der arms." . VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more." . BAR RIDDLE
A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a game. if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?" "Ya, dat sounds purty good," said the Swede. The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Swede scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks. ... Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. Okay . . my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?" "Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?" --- "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda." .
FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth." . THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena... I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas." . THE BIRTHDAY GIFT
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing. . THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks Lena. "I donno, some daRn fool wanting to know if da coast was clear..
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A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
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