An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"
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"A RELIGIOUSLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS" (Something to chill the heat of summer?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 1 RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Anybody? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party--the days are so short this time of year--or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
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"Relax And Choose Joy"
Like most people these days I seem to have more and more to do. Everyday there seems to be one hundred and one things that need done right away. As much as I try to simplify my life I always end up spending my time taking care of the daily details of living.
That is why I try to keep a little reminder taped to the window of my mind. This reminder tells me of the only two things that I really need to do each day. It is just four words long so that I won't forget it.
It says, "Relax and choose Joy."
Now I still do all the daily errands that life demands. I still drive the kids to school and pick them up again. I still run to the store and get the groceries. I still do the dishes, feed the pets, and clean the house. I still do my work and pay my bills. Only now I do them happily and in a spirit of love and joy.
I don't feel rushed or stressed or worried anymore. I don't feel upset or bad if something doesn't get done. I don't feel like a failure because I haven't been the perfect husband or dad.
My little reminder has helped me to live a busy life with a peaceful heart. It has kept my thoughts and feelings focused on what is really important in this life. It has allowed me to "relax and choose joy" as I go about doing the one hundred and one things that need done each day.
I know now that no matter how busy I may get if I only relax and choose joy and love that things will work out as they should.
When the daily details of life start to get to you then remember that God loves you and wants you to be happy. Remember that you need only to "relax and choose joy" to make your busy life beautiful and wonderful again.
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While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
The examiner asked her, "could you get a little closer?"
Instead of moving the car, she slid over.
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Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are some of the 2002 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Dopeer Effect: The tendency for stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
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The Household Handyman's Guide 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
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When British forces in Kuwait began test firing their weapons during a routine exercise they were suddenly confronted by about a dozen Iraqi troops who came over the border after them, thinking the war had started, ... to surrender.
They were sent back over the border after being told that it was too early to surrender
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My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.
He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"
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Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mother will do the trick she has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit."
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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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