LIFE'S LAUGHABLE LESSONS
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
Your friends love you anyway.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Scientists researching the predations of the snout beetle on the cotton crop sought to find a way to prevent the beetles from reproducing. In order to run their tests, they needed to have genetically identical pairs of beetles as test subjects. An enterprising entomologist bred such genetically matched beetle pairs and rented them out for tests. He became known as what? The lessor of the two weevils.
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
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My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.
"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
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Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."
Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."
Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."
Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick drops off you when you die.
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My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
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