Go to Unsolved Mystery Publications Main Index Go to Free account page
Go to frequently asked mystery questions Go to Unsolved Mystery Publications Main Index
Welcome: to Unsolved Mysteries 1 2 3
 
 New Mystery StoryNew Unsolved Mystery UserLogon to Unsolved MysteriesRead Random Mystery StoryChat on Unsolved MysteriesMystery Coffee housePsychic Advice on Unsolved MysteriesGeneral Mysterious AdviceSerious Mysterious AdviceReplies Wanted on these mystery stories
 




Show Stories by
Newest
Recently Updated
Wanting Replies
Recently Replied to
Discussions&Questions
Site Suggestions
Highest Rated
Most Rated
General Advice

Ancient Beliefs
Angels, God, Spiritual
Animals&Pets
Comedy
Conspiracy Theories
Debates
Dreams
Dream Interpretation
Embarrassing Moments
Entertainment
ESP
General Interest
Ghosts/Apparitions
Hauntings
History
Horror
Household tips
Human Interest
Humor / Jokes
In Recognition of
Lost Friends/Family
Missing Persons
Music
Mysterious Happenings
Mysterious Sounds
Near Death Experience
Ouija Mysteries
Out of Body Experience
Party Line
Philosophy
Poetry
Prayers
Predictions
Psychic Advice
Quotes
Religious / Religions
Reviews
Riddles
Science
Sci-fi
Serious Advice
Strictly Fiction
Unsolved Crimes
UFOs
Urban Legends
USM Events and People
USM Games
In Memory of
Self Help
Search Stories:


Stories By AuthorId:


Google
Web Site   

Bookmark and Share



Biggest Collection of Halloween One Liners (& other jokes) Ever On USM...Freaq

  Author:  62267  Category:(Humor) Created:(10/12/2005 12:28:00 PM)
This post has been Viewed (22755 times)

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather? "Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween? Masked potatoes.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? Tombstones.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? "Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the skeleton say to the bartender? I'd like a beer and a mop!

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley? I'm bone to be wild.

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? Boo-ties

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween? Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae? Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

What do little ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror.

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.

What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts? A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand witch.

What do you call dead cows that come back to life? Zombeef.

What do you do with a green monster? Wait until it ripens.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius? Pumpkin pi.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

What game do ghost like to play? Peek-a-Boo.

What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!" A monster laughing his head off

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? The actors get stage fright.

What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE.

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.

What is a ghost's favorite desert? Iced Screams.

What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal? SCREAM of Wheat.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang? His other fang.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing.

What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog? A blood hound.

What is the tallest building in Transylvania? The Vampire State Building.

What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo boos.

What kind of music do ghosts listen to? Sheet music.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie.

What type of music do ghosts prefer? Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast? Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's a ghost's favorite desert? Boo-berry pie.

What's a ghoul's favorite game? Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.

What's big and gray and wears a mask at the theater? The Elephantom of the Opera

What's big and green and goes "Oink, Oink?" Frankenswine.

What's Dracula's favorite flavor of ice cream? Vein-illa.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.

What's the best way to catch an ear of corn? Use a cobweb.

When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.

Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office

Where do most werewolves live? In Howllywood, California.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower? To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.

Where does a one-armed man shop? At a second hand store.

Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building.

Which songs does Dracula hate? "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders."

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.

Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart.

Who was the most famous ghost detective? Sherlock Moans.

Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones.

Who was the most famous witch detective? Warlock Holmes.

Why are so few ghosts arrested? It's hard to pin anything on them.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? He heard children were half price.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license.

Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"

Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos.

Why did the ghost starch her sheet? She wanted everyone to be scared stiff.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? To see if she was his type.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He had no guts.

Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Why do witches fly on brooms? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

Why do you always see ghosts & demons together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? He has a bat temper.

Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!

Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ? The cook was beating the eggs.

-----------------------------------------------------------

TOMB STONES

HERE LIES my wife, I bid her goodbye. She rests in peace and now so do I.

HERE LIES a man named Zeke Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

Here lies HENRY BLAKE he stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

Soon ripe Soon rotten Soon gone But not forgotten.

See I told you I was SICK!

Here lies Clyde Whose life was full Until he tried To milk a bull.

Hope you enjoyed them.



You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click here

Scroll all the way down to read replies.

Show all stories by   Author:  62267 ( Click here )

Halloween is Right around the corner.. .







 
Replies:      
Date: 10/12/2005 1:00:00 PM  From Authorid: 63026    these were cute   
Date: 10/12/2005 2:31:00 PM  From Authorid: 10773    Wasn't Henry Blake that dude on M*A*S*H? O.o  
Date: 10/12/2005 2:31:00 PM  From Authorid: 10773    Haha, can't believe I read all of them O.O Good stuff, Freaq. Thanks for posting it.   
Date: 10/12/2005 8:03:00 PM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 62267    I've never watched mash..  
Date: 10/13/2005 7:05:00 AM  From Authorid: 63172    Hilarious.I love those.  
Date: 10/13/2005 9:58:00 AM  From Authorid: 59876    that was great freaq. i bookmarked it yesterday. thanks for sharing i was thinking of making black fortune cookies and slipping these jokes inside for halloween night. maybe lol, i've never made fortune cookies before but it doesn't look that hard. thanks again sweetie   
Date: 10/13/2005 11:49:00 AM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 62267    I want to make fortune cookies! Hehehe...I may go buy some at my local Wal-Marts lmao.  
Date: 10/15/2005 6:03:00 PM  From Authorid: 62220    i just LOVE these..the "all right now" one made my family and friends laugh hysterically!!  
Date: 10/26/2005 11:52:00 AM  From Authorid: 38683    hehe   
Date: 11/8/2005 10:05:00 PM  From Authorid: 57232    Man....THAT WAS A LOT!!! My favorite was the ones about Vampire State Building  

Find great Easter stories on Angels Feather
Information Privacy policy and Copyrights

Renasoft is the proud sponsor of the Unsolved Mystery Publications website.
See: www.rensoft.com Personal Site server, Power to build Personal Web Sites and Personal Web Pages
All stories are copyright protected and may not be reproduced in any form, except by specific written authorization

Pages:355 1551 916 1065 588 407 1282 1562 1109 1205 204 1247 299 1304 904 1354 151 21 730 1541 999 57 1282 1506 1440 1320 1336 1422 261 1550 1369 1155 362 545 487 1492 283 1587 144 965 527 466 274 1076 688 503 611 724 171 777 816 626 922 753 999 145 952 499 1052 915 1060 1320 362 1266 757 375 1149 647 997 110 979 1252 896 476 98 446 1258 1156 1153 1189 503 995 1317 462 590 1016 814 492 540 1452