I'm having great difficulty.............Curious79   Author:  27623  Category:(Human Interest) Created:(5/15/2008 3:08:00 PM) This post has been Viewed (301 times) Wow, where to begin......... I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. It's been a pretty painful life that I have lived thus far. I can't deny that there have been some very wonderful times as well, but deep down in my soul, I have been beyond sad and depressed. I've been to different therapists, psychiatrists and have tried what seems to be the whole realm of psych meds, well antidepressents. I've had many periods of my life where I've had suicidal thoughts, and that is one of the most unpleasant experiences EVER! None of the meds I have tried worked, but not only that, my body is very sensitive to different medications. I always tend to have the rarest allergic reactions to these meds. Recently, my suicidal thoughts have fiercely engulfed my mind. For quite some time now, several people have mentioned that they believe I suffer from bi-polar disorder. I would always refuse to admit that (despite the fact that I'm a mental health professional and I KNOW what the illness is and know all if it's symptoms). Well, since my mental health has become much worse, I've finally somewhat admitted that I am bi-polar. I'm having an extremely difficult time admitting it. Everytime I think of it, I cry, everytime I think of this new med that the doctor wants to put me on, I cry. I sob. You would think that I could handle it better considering I'm educated in psychology and work w/ the mentally ill, but that's not the case at all. The major setback to me admitting I suffer from bi-polar disorder, is the fact that my father was bi-polar. I never liked my father. He was a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE man. My father had attempted to kill me on several occassions, as well as himself. He finally completed suicide in Jan. of 2000. I can't even ever remember the date of his suicide and I really don't care. So when I think about the fact that I have the same illness, I can't help but associate his deadly "personality" to mine. I can't help but think those very same thought about myself. I don't want to take the meds, i don't want to admit I'm sick. I'll admit to depression, but that's about it. I can't help but believe that I'm just like my father. He was a convicted felon, child molester, rapist, murderer, you name it. And that is no joke. I remember visiting the jerk in jail when I was a young child. It's just very difficult, and I don't know how to deal w/ it. I go to therapy on a weekly basis. I don't have your average desk job. I work w/ people who are mentally ill, and I need to be well in order to help them. I need to be at my best, and it's really difficult to do so when you are sick yourself. I'm so very broken. I have many other things on my mind as well which does not help the situation in the least. I'm a huge mess right now, and I only pray to get better. I'm just venting, I had to because I was sobbing uncontrolably to the point I was pretty much hyperventillating. So, I suppose my journey begins w/ the full admittance and acceptance that I suffer from bi-polar disorder. I'm not 100% there yet ) : You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click here Scroll all the way down to read replies. Show all stories by   Author:  27623 ( Click here ) Spring is coming