Been awhile since I posted about my issue about my "current/ex relationship". Maybe you've read some of my previous posts, how the person I loved, just vanished with not so much of a reason. Just the calls ended, the messages never came, and he became uncontactble. I was very confused, lost, and more so felt totally abandoned by him.
Over the past few months, I manage (with all the advice I've received in my previous posts about this issue) to slowly 'move on'. You know, go about my life, work and studies, and bassically forget love. I kept having the scenario of what happens the day he shows up? or the day he calls? or the day he messages me? the scenario of what happened to him. Day by day, I went by, waiting for the calls, and me blindly keep texting his phone hoping that he would read the messages I wrote. With no replies, no nothing, I realized that hey he's got his own issues, and maybe I just no involve myself anymore.
Yesterday he called me.
I had moved on the fact of expecting ANY call. So when I did pick up the phone, I did not know what to say. We were only on the phone for a couple of minutes, but there were filled with long gaps of nothing. Maybe he was scared? ashamed? to tell me the reason why I was left with nothing, abandoned like that. And you know, with all the feedback I got from USM'ers and my friends, I had decided that I will end it, I do not want to endure the waiting anymore, the constant troubles, the lies. To me, I had the greatest opportunity, To say, I've moved on, beyond him.
I could not say those words I wanted to say.
Instead, I pitied him. Maybe pity is too much of a strong word, I still care for him, that sure. I care for his well-being, and his happiness. And when he called me, it just seemed if I were to shut myself off from him, he'd have nothing to feel good about. His family knows nothing as well of what he has been up to. He has no job. He was near to tears when we spoke, and I dared not to shut him off.
There are so many things that my brain, friends and even you guys say that obviously should leave me to the conclusion, this guy is hopeless, he will always have troubles attached, and he will keep dragging me down.
Yet, my heart could not shut him out.
Yet, when we spoke, I could only speak supportive words to him.
Yet, when I showed that I was dissapointed, he knew it. And I just feel he will make it up to me.
Yet, how long I've waited just to be back with him.
It's inexplainable (yet again). WHAT? is making me so attached and committed to him. I couldn't and he couldn't speak those words on that phone call ("I love you"). Yet I felt that both of us knew, we still did.
Yes, he said he was sorry. No, he has not given me an explanation for his six month dissapearance.
He said, the time was not right for me to know the reason.
Stupid on my part not to press on, of course, the least I EXPECT is a reason, right? yet, I said I would wait for the reason, and I would wait for him.
I said " I WOULD WAIT "
Am I being stupid or what?
Really. Any feedback is so much appreciated. Thanks USM.
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