Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
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Evolution of Mom
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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There is a special place in life That needs my humble skill A certain job I'm meant to do that No one else can fill.
The hours may be demanding, And the pay is not too good And yet I wouldn't change it For a moment if I could.
There is a special place in life A goal I must attain A Dream that I must follow For I won't be back again.
There is a mark that I must leave However small it be A legacy of love for those Who follow after me.
There is a specal place in life That only I may share A little path that bears my name Awaiting me somewhere.
There is a hand that I must hold A word that I must say A smile that I must give For there are tears to blot away.
There is a special place in life That I was meant to fill A sunny spot where flowers grow Upon a windy hill.
There's Always a Tomorrow And the Best is yet to be And Somewhere in the world I know There is a Place for Me!
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As I glance out of a snow covered window I can see all the beauty that rests in heaven God please forgive me but I must ask: "Mr. Terrorists what were you thinking on nine-eleven?"
Mr. Terrorists, what you did that day was wrong As you look down upon us, you will see, your Country is still weak and our Country is still strong!
Mr. Terrorists, you should have just left every thing be, God will forgive your sins but he will not let you rest very easily
You see Mr. Terrorists, your pain has just begun You will have to look down at earth every day and see what you have done
You tore down our buildings and you left people to cry
But our hearts are strong and our pride for this great nation will not die
Mr. Terrorists do you see that here on earth you only brought us closer together And our love for this great undivided nation soars on eagel feathers
So you see Mr. Terrorists, we will rebuild and start anew as we put our hearts on the mend that day you took a few
So Mr. Terrorists, when you start to feel the pain of destruction caused on nine-eleven Just turn around and and look into the eyes of all the heros you took with you to heaven
Because at that moment Mr. Terrorists, your hearts will turn sad and you will see that you took away so many moms and dads.
So to all you Terrorists that plot and ploy of destructive schemes This is America, The Land of the Free Where no one will ever take away our Eagle Dreams!!!
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"P.M.S."
Greetings Gents, I'm assuming that you suffer from PMS, not directly, but suffer none the less. Lets get right to it...
Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days? A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: Will it ever end? A: Sure, but you'll be so old you won't notice.
Q: Why is it that I'm wrong so much during this awful time? A: You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.
Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys? A: Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.
Q: What should I do to cope with this? A: Glad you asked... (take notes)
1. Pamper your woman! Shower her with love and affection.
2. Duck (alot).
3. Let her vent. Remember, she probably doesn't mean it.
4. If #3 does not apply, you deserve every bit of it... don't whine.
5. Making dinner will lessen the trauma, take note: Burnt biscuits will only add to your pain - Order out.
6. Speak only when spoken to - Limit your replies to: "Yes, of course you're right darling" and "those jeans never fit better."
7. Educate yourself on the magic pills your loved one prefers, keeping them on hand is a bonus point for you.
8. Keep small children (and other helpless creatures) out of the path, keep the casualties to a minimum.
9. Gifts and "shiny" tokens of affection are advised, just remember these words: Frederick's, Macys & Spiegel.
10. Always remember, you are against something way beyond your power...
Real men buy necessities at the store!
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THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!
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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful. Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
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