I have not come to the point where I cannot communicate anymore with anyone, but I feel like I have depression. I survived war in my homeland. The first signs of depression I remember were in the summer of 1994. I remember that I just wanted to be alone. My friends had to plead with me to go out with them. I was still in my homeland, in war situation, very psychologically abusing. Well my depression did not show until I went out of my homeland the same year, 1994. We went to this refugee camp and I did not like it there. All my friends were not there, and they were my support. Especially my best childhood friend and cousin, with whome I had been friends since we were in dipers. She was like a sister to me, and I loved her like a sister. I am an only child, so she was really the one I confided in. Anyways, 6 months I was in the refugee camp. And six months I avoided socializing. If someone would succeed in taking me out for some time, I would remember my friends, my home, and town, and start to cry. I slept a lot, like I never did before, and I gained lots of weight. That put down my selfesteem even more. No one bothered to take me to a psychologist. Because you see, in the society I grew up in the one who goes to see a counselour even for a chat to feel better, or anything, is considered to be crazy. I think that my parents did not want someone saying that I am crazy. To make the matters worse, I could not go to school there, because I was not born in the country. After six months we came to the United States. I was so happy because my cousin and my best friend lives in the same city I do. But she changed. Being my opposite, she used it against me, and started giving me bad comments like: "You are fat. You look like 30 years old." And I was just 15 then. I could not understand her. It was like she became someone else. It hurt me, and I felt bad so much. I wanted to ask her why she was saying that to me. Because if I were her, and even if those things were true, I would never say something like that to her. But she did to me. When she started having sex, then she changed even more, and the familiar phrase from her was:"Its noone's fault that you are not like me." She accused me that I was in love with a guy she liked, and at that point I closed once again inside four walls. I trusted no one anymore. And still do not. I just can't. I never understood why she did what she did. Thank God, I was alowed to go to school here, or otherwise I would really go crazy I think. At first I was really nervous while talking to people and going into public, but later it got better. I guess I wanted more to prove to my "best" friend that she was wrong about me, but I did not prove anything, just how much fun I have missed. Last five years have been the same for me. I lost weight, gained it back, lost it.. and back and fort. Now, at the age of 21, I do not feel like try to look my best as once I like to do. I do not have boyfriend. NO friends. NO life practically. Just school, job and parents. I met someone from the other state, and fell in love with him. We have known each other for a year, but I am not what he is looking for apparently. In a undirect way he said to me that I was ugly, although he acknowledged that I have sould like no one he ever met. I am afraid to live for the rest of my life in this pain, sadness, and depression. I cannot go to a psychologist, because I do not want my parents to freak out. So I am just living with no life. No one can love me, and I guess that is something I will have to get used to. But for all those teenagers,who might stop by and read this, I have one advice to give: SOCIALIZE AND DO NOT LIVE ACCORDING TO OTHER PEOPLE EXPECTATIONS. I TRIED AND NEVER SUCCEEDED. IF YOU HAVE SELF ESTEEM TAKE CARE OF IT SO MUCH, BECAUSE ONCE IT IS HURT ONCE, IT WILL NEVER COME BACK TO WHERE IT USED TO BE. I wish I am dead.
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