Just another scary day, and I awake to the pitch blackness given by the black sheets that I've tacked over my window, so it constantly looks like night. Another nightmare where I'm hiding, but he always knows where. Another one where I watch myself wake up over and over, to the point I'm confused whether or not I'm actually awake. Then all day I'm trapped in the twilight zone, this altered state of existance where I exsperience paranoid delusions in which I'm sure the whole word only exists because I'm dreaming it does...All day is spent trying to smile at my customers, when I'm really gritting my teeth, wishing I could tell them no amount of Department store make-up is going to change them into decent souls, and no amount of cover up will hide their true monster interior, that gushes through every pore. I leave at the end of my shift exhausted by the hours I've struggled to maintain composure. Then I come home to bouncing, happy little boys, that I love more than anything, but obssessed worries fill me, and drain me of enjoying them. Zombied, I smile and pick the little one up and retreat to my room where I hide from most of the world, and pray this doesnt turn to panic, and another stupid emergency room visit where I was certainly going to die, because the room started closing in. My heart beats fast and hard, my head spins...so I look to the clock. It's only 8 o'clock...but it's bed time. I have to escape this!!! I hope tomorrow my Manic phase will set in. How it changed my life:I learn to appreciate feeling at "peace". When that precious feeling comes to me, I really enjoy it... I try to use it to my advantage by moving a few steps forward. Though I get stuck sometimes...I'm not giving up!!
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